DC - The Republican National Committee proudly announced an immense new technological advance in political campaigning: the DirtMaster 3000 (tm).
"Previously, politicians had to throw dirt by hand, or hire lackeys to throw dirt," explained Chief GOP Dirt Officer Karl Rove. "Sometimes there just wasn't enough dirt to cover up real issues, and we'd lose a campaign."
The DirtMaster 3000(tm) overcomes this problem through revolutionary DirtCaster(tm) technology, firing cartridges packed with dirt at a rapid rate to obliterate any target.
"Best of all," said Republican presidential candidate John Sidney McCain III, "I can keep my hands completely clean. I'm not flinging dirt anymore ... I'm bomb bomb bombing Obama! And none of it gets on me!"
The standard round for DirtMaster 3000 (tm) consists of a high-density FC (Fabricated Claim) payload, propelled by a fast-burning charge of CCM (Compliant Corporate Media). For hard-to-penetrate targets, the potent "Fearmonger" payload is preferred; delivered by an extra-large charge of formula SPM (Secretly Paid Media), it delivers a stream of white-hot bullshit directly into the news stream, with deadly results.
The DNC reacted with its usual tactic: letting the Republicans do what they want. "We cannot fight the Republicans blow-for-blow," explained DNC Surrenderer General Harry Reid, "It would look bad. So I guess they won this one!"
House Sleeper Nancy Pelosi agreed, "The Republicans even have stealth capability, injecting dirt into media outlets behind the scenes, possibly even paying reporters or experts. We can't expect anyone enforce the Hatch Act on this; it would be unseemly for an Attorney General to bring felony charges against members of his own political party!"
Expert agreed. "The only thing that can stop the DirtMaster 3000(tm) from smearing slime all over every Democrat," crowed a jubilant Dick Cheney, "Is a shortage of dirt. Bwa-ha-ha!"