Written by Jeff Tamarkin
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Thursday, 6 May 2004

image for Kerry Dumps Depp, Chooses Jay Leno
The chins have it.

In a complete surprise to everyone, including himself, John Kerry has already dropped Johnny Depp and chosen Jay Leno to be his VP in the upcoming general erection. When asked about this perplexing decision, Kerry said: "It's in Jay's chin. I have always admired his chin. It's more elongated than mine. So, what the hay, it's now Jay."

Republican observers were amazed, and elated. Senator Orifice Hatch: "We're in. Again." Veep Dickass Lamey: "It's the chins to win. I don't think so." Condopizza Gaptoothricecake: "Why he didn't pick John McFeign or Bigcalf Billary Clitwoman, I don't know. What I do know, next to nothing, is that I'm celebrating at KFC tonight. In fact, I may buy my own KFC and start speaking Jamaican."

Democrats were equally flabbergasted. Joe Loverman, Connecticut's Kosher Senator: "Well, I would have chosen Alfred E. Neuman. I think he's Jewish. At least he reminds me of me." Howard Dean: "Huh? What about me? Who am I?" Al Sharpton: "That ain't chillin. Coulda been me and Tawana Brawley."

The Greens also voiced their opinion. Ralph Nader: "So, what idiots were worried about my throwing this erection to the Republicans? F--- everybody! I'm going back to airbags, and Princeton, and other intellectual stuff." From International Green Party Headquarters in Berlin, Adolf Grossbummsenkopf: "Achtung! Alles in Ordnung. Arbeit und Chins macht frei!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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