Written by Unconfirmed Source
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Topics: Report, Discipline

Saturday, 1 May 2004

image for FCC to Use Stocks and Stoning to Enforce Rules!
The good old days!

Unconfirmed Sources report FCC chairmen Michael Powell plans to revive old forms of discipline to enforce decency standards. An internal FCC report commissioned by Powell has outlined the new program for punishing those who violate FCC rules.

The plan which will tighten the rules on obscenity and indecency on the airways is said to be near completion. The plan calls for a three tier system of punishment.

The first tier of punishment for minor offenses like swearing, suggestive movements and criticizing the government, would be to spend time in the stocks on the National Mall. If a person is cited for a second offense he might be whipped in addition to spending more time in the stocks. The public would also be invited to pelt the offender with rotten eggs and vegetables, which would be for sale nearby. Sales of the vegetables would go toward supporting private christian schools.

The second tier of punishments for things like brief nudity and blasphemy would involve a mild public stoning. The public would again be encouraged to help buy purchasing rocks of a predetermined size to pelt the victim. The greater the offense the larger the rock. The exact details of the rock sizing scheme are still under review.

The third tier of punishments for as yet undefined offenses might include drowning offenders in the Reflecting Pool on the Mall or crucifying people on a site near the Washington monument.

One source close to the FCC said that the White House, The Dept of Justice and Pat Robertson have all played useful roles in creating the upcoming rules changes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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