Washington D.C. - President George "Good Job Browny" Bush today announced new stringent and humane limits on interrogation techniques to be employed against suspected terrorists, speeders, jaywalkers and others suspected of seditious acts threatening the security of our nation.
The new limits were apparently in response to opposition party and global criticism to the previous White House position on the issue of "waterboarding."
"After careful analysis by the White House staff, CIA field officers, Columbian drug lords and former advisors to Saddam Hussein, we have recommended humane guidelines to be employed in all interrogations and job interviews," President Bush announced with visible pride.
"America has always been a shining beacon to the world and I ain't turning out the lights no matter how much my buddies charge for crude."
"First and foremost, I want to please those damn do-gooders for once; so I have made it mandatory that only Perrier be used during any "surfboarding" lesson, conducted by any agent of these United States. Now Ozarka Water was recommended to me by some junior staffer that couldn't find his butt with two hands, sonar and a seeing butt dawg. Dumb sonofabitch din't know a whole lot of that stuff comes from the Clinton's and I'll be damned if I'm gonna feather their bed. I have been advised that teaching these sand devils how to ride a Malibu wave, while listening to Jan and Dean at 125 decibels, will encourage them to rethink their conviction to silly ideas of vestal virgins and the like.
"Hell, there ain't no such thang as a virgin no more anyway.
"I have strictly outlawed quartering, flaying and duodenal electrical stimulation, but I must admit that last one sounded pretty interesting until it was fully explained to me.
"Anyone found guilty of dragging a bound suspect behind an old Ford F-150, like those misguided boys back in my home state, will be severely reprimanded and sent to bed without their dessert for three days. Second offenses and dessert will be withheld for a week. I personally take these new guidelines very seriously.
"We are not Nazi sadists; this is America. Now, I can understand if a suspect was taken out for exercise and due to security concerns was shackled.and during a jogging regimen happened to fall and was briefly pulled along behind an ATV blaring Lee Greenwood music.well shit happens, unfortunately. We lose good American pilots in training regularly. I ain't Lloyd Bentsen, but I damn sure know these people ain't good Americans or they wouldn't have shown up on our "radar."
"Lastly, upon the wise counsel of guys that should know a thang or two, we are also adopting strict dietary standards as well. My critics have complained about food and hydration being denied. These scurrilous charges are bogus. And I'm gonna show em. Starting at 0600 GMT this day, all suspects will be fed a regular diet of pork ribs, Shiner beer and all the Big Red they can swaller. That should quiet my detractors. If it's good enough for Texans, it's probably too damn good for terrorists, but I am a god fearing American. I was raised on that stuff; hell I keep some Shiner on Air Force One. Further, as part of our home study and re-education .kinda what I call my No Terrorist Left Behind Program, the Honorable Right Reverend Robert Tilton's radio and TV sermons shall be played during all meals. If I was half the bastard my critics say I am, I'd make those guys listen to Hillary or Ted Kennedy 24/7.now that would be cruel and unusual punishment and I wouldn't do that to an outhouse buzzard.
"By adopting these guidelines, I am serving notice to tree huggers and do-gooders around the world that I am a decent guy and I put my pants on one leg at a time just like them or robe one arm at a time or..hell, whatever. What I mean is, I am human .err HUMANE and Americans are good decent folk."
For the first time in recorded history, The White House Press Corps was speechless and asked no questions. One CNN correspondent was treated for auditory hallucinations by EMS and Lou Dobbs was seen running to his car for a pistol.