Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Seattle

Friday, 23 April 2004

image for Lesbians Take Over Seattle
Carpetbaggers?

Brutal takeover "not as cool" as some previously imagined.

Seattle - Chaos has reigned down on the quite metropolitan area of Seattle, WA in the form of hostile, short-tempered lesbians. It was not immediately clear how many citizens were injured or the number of buildings destroyed by the militant group estimated at roughly 10,000 strong. Pinning an exact number on the insurgent's force was made difficult by the fact that many of them donned plaid attire and were quire obese, sometimes creating blurry illusions. Speculations on the genesis of the siege have run amuck, ranging from the political - forcing politicians to act on behalf of same sex rights, to the sublime - just because they could.

Experts suspect that the latter might be the case as Seattle has been the perfect breeding ground in recent years for ugly dyke unrest. "You see the biker gangs handing out at various bars by the docks, heck even the sailors stopped going in," reports Seattle Times columnist and gossip monger Steven Pechko. "But I never thought it would come to this." Other sources say that while the group operates under no official flag or moniker the movement has been spearheaded mainly by members of The Carpet Baggers, a local truckers group that recently unionized mainly for intimidation purposes. It has been rumored that the "Baggers" had already acquired knuckle-breaking skills and were working on being major pains-in-the-asses so unionizing happened to be the next logical step.

As darkness settled over the once serene City by the Sound it was apparent that the Seattle skyline would never be the same. The long identifiable and semi-phallic Space Needle was the first major landmark to disappear in large part to what has been attributed to the "demasculinization" of the area.

While shocked at the beloved Needle's demise, longshoreman Joe Thompson spent much of the day dealing with another one of the attacks grim realities. "Ten thousand lesbians and not one of ‘em is hot. Rosie O'Donnell said it would be like this," an unamused Thompson bemoaned "I'm so disillusioned."

Washington, D.C. officials have decried the situation publicly but have not yet taken any steps towards military action. The Rev. Jessie Jackson proclaimed though the PUSH Coalition website that he would be visiting the area to meet with top Muncher representatives. "I've got the time," the website read "Alabama is behaving itself and Michael Jackson is flat out too weird." There has been no word on whether Jackson's offer to meet has been accepted or denied.

As the battles rage from street corner Starbucks to street corner Starbucks, the good people of Seattle sit and wait for something, anything to mollify their mulleted tormentors and return life back to the way it was.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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