Written by Unconfirmed Source
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Topics: Government, troops

Tuesday, 20 April 2004

image for Siege of The Onion Compound Enters 13th Day!
Ashcroft Goes on Rampage!

Unconfirmed Sources report the siege of The Onion compound has entered a new and deadly phase. The initial attack on the compound was repulsed with such ferocity the government troops were forced to retreat and reorganize.

"I couldn't believe a bunch of lefty writers could put up such a fight." said one shell shocked member of the assault team. "We lost a lot of good men out there. I hope this is all worth it." He said looking toward the burned out vehicles surrounding the compound.

"They took us by surprise." admitted John Ashcroft, "but that won't happen again. We are massing troops and heavy armor to attack the compound. We will be victorious."

Kneeling down next to smoking shell crater he was heard to ask a group of nearby soliders. "Do you smell that?"

The charismatic leadership of The Onion, Editor-in-Chief Carol Kolb and Assistant Editor Amie Barrodale, have vowed to fight on, no matter the consequences.

The assault on The Onion is part of the ongoing "Operation Cockroach", a nationwide round up of satirical news organs and people who have been critical of the government.

"The operation continues a pace." said Ashcroft at the assault command center. "We are meeting resistance here, but in other areas of the country things are going great. We are going to win this thing and make America a stronger and less satirical place."(see related story Ashcroft Orders Satirist Roundup!! )

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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