Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 24 January 2008

image for Political Candidates Sue For Equal Time
Is he or isn't he? Only his dresser knows for sure.

During a political campaign, television and other forms of media must legally make sure that they offer the opportunity for equal time to all viable candidates. In light of that low, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama and others have jointly sued ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN for not granting the equal time provision.

Monica Lewinsky, campaign manager for Hillary Clinton, issued the following statement for the Democratic frontrunner's campaign: "We feel that we are not being given a fair shake in the media. Every time you turn on the television set, you might get two good minutes of good political news on the Presidential race. This is followed by fifteen minutes of fluff stories telling you whether or not Britney Spears showed up for her latest court date and what color panties, if any, Paris Hilton is wearing today."

The Romney campaign headquarters had the same message for us: "The last time Mike Huckabee called our candidate a radical, non-Christian, baby eating, devil worshiping Mormon, it didn't even make the 6:00 p.m. news. Instead, the lead story that day was on Hannah Montana using a body double and not having enough tickets available for her fan club members. We're talking about the next President of the United States here; what voting adult really cares about the latest jail bait?"

John McCain noted another problem with the equal time issue: "Fred Thompson is on Law & Order, and that show is on every cable channel. Some of them like USA Network try to show that one 36 hours a day! How can we compete with Fred? If it isn't Law and Order, than it's The Hunt For Red October on AMC or one of his other movies. We are competing against a TV star and a bunch of skanks for any coverage at all."

Barack Obama did offer a solution to the problem. "On our next round of debates," he said, "we ought to have a strategy. All of us should announce beforehand that we are all going to be on there but will not be wearing any underwear!"

In response, John Edwards asked "are we supposed to be wearing underwear?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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