Today officials with the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced that within ten years they will have trained significant numbers of personnel in responding to an asteroid impact that would effectively end life on earth.
Personnel in charge of this initiative stated that "our folks will be ready after the impact to see that people have what they need, in the way of bottled water, ice, and most importantly little white masks that one uses when mowing their yard." When this reporter pressed the official about loss of life from an impact, he said "I know that 99.9998% of the people will be incinerated on impact but those that do live for a while, until everyone dies, will need FEMA's help in rebuilding their lives, you know until they die too."
He continued by saying that FEMA personnel will "work exceedingly hard to make sure this asteroid impact will not leave people without hope." The FEMA spokesman conceded that the job would be difficult "but FEMA is determined not to make the same mistakes we made in Katrina, Rita, the California Fires, and every other disaster we have responded to in the history of the agency." He said, "We are a changed agency, we have open press conferences, successful temporary housing programs, a new office Cantina, and lots of new FEMA shirts and hats, with cool logos, and no formaldehyde in trailers. These things demonstrate that we now what we are doing because we have changed the names of everything to reflect that although nothing has changed, except for everyone's title, we will be successful."
Some scientists responded with absolute incredulity at FEMA's "take" on this type of catastrophe. One scientist with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency (NOAA) informed the spokesman that such a meteor strike would be akin to the event that led to the extinction of the dinosaurs. The spokesman quickly responded by saying "We aren't talking about saving dinosaurs, they're pretty much gone, we are talking about saving people now." He continued. "We plan on evacuating people from harm's way with rooftop helicopter rescues, with boats and ships, with school buses, and trains, and for the first time hot air balloons. And we have these plans in place, and we know we can save hundreds of people just before they die, and by God that's important."
When pressed by the scientist from NOAA about fires on a global scale, he said "The one thing FEMA has plenty of is water, and by having everyone in the world turn on their water hoses at once, we can douse them pretty quickly, plus these fires will get rid of lots of underbrush that could cause fires next year."
One reporter asked how big the asteroid would be that would cause human extinction and the FEMA spokesman replied "pretty big, about the size of the one that killed most of those dinosaurs, probably about the size of Ottumwa, Iowa." The spokesperson said "the last series of training will involve preparing staff in the methodology of setting up refreshment stands with sufficient quantities of coffee and donuts to hand out to survivors." He said "In the event of human extinction we would want the surviving population to have some sense of normalcy, and not of imminent death, and donuts and coffee always give people a sense of hope, especially just before they die."