Written by Tom deSabla
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Topics: Ron Paul

Saturday, 19 January 2008

image for Ron Paul a Secessionist? Toe Tale Takes Tricky Turn
Paul Toe Tale

In a story crazily expanding and snaking out all over the globe, Ron Paul's pinkie toe has apparently seceded from his body and started attending militia meetings in Idaho.

As the news went out, there was reportedly a great celebration at the Fearless Mouse Party headquarters in Tokyo. Speaking to reporters over the blaring American pop song "Piece of Me," Japanese Prime Minister Benron explained the reason: "Since we were created with the DNA of Ron Paul supporters to help us organize, we decided to return the favor, by helping Ron's body to split into many pieces when needed, like we can do."

The plan to inject the Fearless Mouse Secessionist DNA was executed during the Snake Oil Boil with the help of a yet-unnamed operative who somehow managed to inject Paul's injured pinkie toe during the tumult and confusion. "It is hoped," said Benron, "that soon, the other pieces of Ron Paul's body may be able to remove themselves and move about independently, enabling him to be in many places at once, leading to a very efficient and decentralized campaigning."

Weaver Militia chief Bill Hunt said he was glad to have Ron Paul's petite digite at his meetings

"It was a great surprise and honor to have Dr. Paul's toe show up. We're all definitely voting for him. The guys were so pumped to get a visit from the greatest defender of freedom this country has had in years' toe. We set it up on a flag and saluted that little bad-boy."

In a possibly related story, a Texas man claims that Britney Spears held him hostage while using his identity for nearly two weeks - even going to work in his stead. Recent British emigrant Billy Ray Buford, part-time paramedic and full-time fuddy-duddy, says that Spears "was quite serious indeed, and kept her unmentionables on for the entire ordeal, except for two nights she went to bang someone she called 'Runnie baby' Curiously, Brit seemed a bit narked about my accent; didn't seem to think it was 'Texas' enough - such rubbish." The oddly-named Buford said he had changed his original name - Gordon Higglesby-Smythe (of the Kent Smythe's) - when he came to America.

When asked about the significance of Paul possibly splitting his body into independent pieces - something no human has ever done, and until now considered a scientific impossibility, spokesman Jazz Fakir of the liberal group think tank, Progressives Against Any Progress Whatsoever, said "Well, we've always said he was just another racist republican secessionist, and this just proves we were right."

Mr. Faker then urged the media to stop talking about the racist, long-shot, quixotic, geriatric, doddering, muleheaded, dark horse, fringe extremist, right-wing, no-account nutjob who cannot and will not be allowed to win, Ron Paul, and get on to the substantive issues of the day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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