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Topics: WGA

Saturday, 5 January 2008

image for Writers' strike ends; audience strike begins
A few of the many theatre seats emptied by the audience strike.

News that the Writers' Guild of America has ended its strike was overshadowed by a strike by the audience. The Viewers' Guild of America [VGoA], representing TV, film and stage audiences in the U.S., has announced its members "will not watch until the Writers' Guild gives us something worth watching".

Viewers Guild president Herb Schlombart says: "The writers wanted to be paid a second time for their work going on the internet? Well, it sucked so hard we viewers shouldn't have had to pay for it the FIRST time!"

"Yeah." agreed VGoA negotiator Barfino Vomitelli. "If I want my brain to rot, I'll get Alzheimer's. I don't need TV and movies."

Between such Viewers' sentiments and the Writers' battle cry of "Don't Think - WATCH!", nobody was surprised when negotiations between the two sides broke down. The VGoA walked out, leaving the nation's TV and movie screens unwatched.

The Writers have resorted to using "scab audiences" to replace Viewers' Guild members. All to no avail, as the scabs attending most TV and movie filmings booed the actors off the set.

The replacement audiences fared no better on Broadway. Scabs comprised the entire audience for the opening of George Bernard Shaw's "Man and Superman" sequel "Man and Batman". Viewer reaction to the play was mixed, with tomatoes and eggs predominating.

Even with the replacement viewers, all major television networks have seen their ratings decline to at or near zero. Some, like FOX, have closed down entirely. To this, the all-liberal radio network Air America commented: "PUSSIES! We've been broadcasting to zero audience for years!"

The VGoA complains not only about the high cost of the writers' work but its low quality. These current movie offerings give a feel:

  • "It's a Horrible Life", in which the hero commits suicide after his guardian demon shows him how much better everything would have been without him.

  • "Honey, I Fucked the Kids". Billed as the first collaboration between Woody Allen and Disney Studios.

  • "Passion II: The Second Coming". This sequel to Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" features Jesus trying to walk on water again, but sinking because he now has holes in his feet.

  • Titanic II: the Sequel". The Titanic is salvaged and refloated, only to hit another iceberg and sink again, with the loss of all passengers, crew and the backers' investment.

  • "Gilligan's Island 2008". Apparently Hollywood is running out of bad TV shows to make into movies.

  • "Adolf and Eva: the Romantic Comedy": It's kind of like "Love Story" except they BOTH die, so it's sure to be twice as popular.

  • "Nigeria 419". From the producers of "Reno 911", who represent the Finance Minister of Nigeria and are prepared to offer you 20% of the $37 billion estate of the late President Bazonga in return for temporarily storing it in your bank account.

While the television offerings are too vile for comment:

  • Schindler's List: The Comedy Series!

  • Geneology for African-Americans: Figuring out who your father was.

  • Touched by a Pedophile.

  • Insert Your Own Big Tits Joke Here with Pamela Anderson.

  • Al Jazeera presents: Iraq's Funniest Beheading Videos!

  • Lifetime Network presents: I Got Breast Cancer And It's All The Fault of Men For Not Finding A Cure For It Because They're Such Insensitive Pigs.

The Writer's Guild pleaded with the government for a bailout, and in response President Bush mobilized 250,000 National Guard troops to watch Hollywood's fare. After the first week 80% of those troops had deserted, while the rest begged to be sent to Iraq rather than watch one more SitCom or Action-Adventure. Bush complied, saying "See? This proves they believe in the War on Terror!"

In reaction to this, all Republican presidential candidates except Ron Paul vowed to start an Audience Draft when they take office. All the Democrats too, but they call their draft proposal "National Service to Help America's Children in Coping with the Hollywood Crisis". "The difference is, our program will be entirely voluntary" said Hillary Clinton. "And to those who don't volunteer: there are vacancies at Guantanamo, if you get my drift."

How and when the audience strike will end, nobody knows. But already it has brought on a national crisis. Writers' Guild president Ivan E. Rection warns: "Instead of watching TV and movies, Americans are now reading, writing, studying, talking with friends and family, exercising, playing musical instruments, attending town meetings, volunteering, starting small businesses - it's just all so unAmerican!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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