Written by Mark Lowton
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Sunday, 5 August 2001

image for Walmart's Wally Comes Good
There's no point, they're just pointy

Shopping giant Walmart has announced plans to extend the length of one day to 30 hours. The idea of extending the day came from 'Wally' (the $20bn expert system), similar to 'Deep Thought' from Douglas Adam's novel 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'.

The executive management staff at Walmart provided Wally with full knowledge of procedures at Walmart, results from public surveys, sales strategies, etc. The management then asked Wally the quickest, cheapest and easiest way that Walmart could begin to make a larger profit than that which they currently make.

This was two years ago. After two months of waiting the staff at Walmart soon forgot about Wally and attempted to produce a larger profit margin themselves. Whilst all the time Wally worked and puzzled over the question it had been asked.

It took Wally five months to come up with an answer. Wally was re-discovered by one of the executive staff, Bill (50), who thought that Wally was a new coffee machine that had been delivered earlier in the day. After realising that it was infact Wally, Bill then attempted to discover whether Wally had discovered an answer to the puzzle it had been set.

Wally was a bit tempremental at first. It was upset that it had been left alone for so long and was reluctant to tell Bill the answer. Bill being a friendly guy however was able to tease the information out of Wally and quickly went to tell the world what Wally had found.

"Me and Wally had a great conversation. I was telling him all the recent events that had happened since he had been left. I managed to cheer him up eventually though, I told a couple of jokes and he started to laugh. Then when he told me what his plans were in order to produce a larger turnover I was astonished. I told my boss, who told his boss, and eventually the whole management was buzzing."

Walmart have now begun proceedings to extend the day by 6 hours so that their stores can open for 30 hours a day. It is estimated that Walmart will make a new profit turn over of $30m per day, and that's just their stores in the US.

Walmart have said that Wally's services have now been employed by the US government, this has however been denied by them. Bill has now taken retirement from Walmart and has bought a house on the Florida Keys.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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