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Friday, 16 September 2005

image for Bush Seeks to Protect Marriage from People Who Are Gay, Post-Menopausal, Barren, Self-Absorbed, Ugly
"We should conduct this difficult debate in a matter worthy of our country, because I don't see what the big freakin' deal is."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Bush today announced his support of a Constitutional amendment banning childless or otherwise yucky marriage.

"We all know that the marriage is a sacred institution, intended for the purpose of procreating and raising children," Bush said at a press conference. "Therefore, I am asking Congress to draft a Constitutional amendment codifying marriage as the union between a man and women, both of whom are heterosexual, whose reproductive organs still function, who want to have children in the first place, and who are attractive enough to want to have sex with each other every nine months."

"President Clinton's Defense of Marriage Act, the landslide congressional vote supporting it, and the passage of similar defense-of-marriage laws in 38 states, which all define marriage as the legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, express an overwhelming consensus in our country. And an overwhelming consensus tells me which side of an issue I need to be on. Our country's storied history of domestic peace rests on the power of overwhelming consensus and following the prevailing political wind, and when overwhelming consensuses are defied, such as when women demand the right vote, or black people demand the right to be treated like human beings, or when people in goofy, colorful clothing demand that we stop sending teenagers to foreign countries to die for no apparent reason, turmoil erupts in our streets."

In recent months, judges and local officials around the nation have been either skirting the law or outright violating state mandate and marrying same-sex and homely different-sex couples, in defiance of certain interpretations of a really old book; in Massachusetts, four judges on the highest court have indicated they will order the issuance of marriage licenses to applicants of the same gender and of different genders who are reproductively barren, also in defiance of said interpretation of said really old book. When asked about his feeling on those actions, Bush said "That just ain't right."

"Unless action is taken," Bush continued, "we can expect more insightful and well-thinked-out court decisions and more defiance of the law by local officials, all of which adds to an increase in liberties. Their actions have created clarity on an issue that requires obfuscation. After more than two centuries of American jurisprudence and millenniums of human experience, a few judges and local authorities are presuming to change a fundamental institution of civilization. The only proper response, then, is to presume to change a fundamental institution of civilization. Everybody following me here?"

Bush called this "a matter of such importance that the voice of the people must be heard, because judges are simply people who spend their lives studying the law, and therefore it's dangerous to allow them to interpret the law, lest their decisions be impartial and knowledgable."

Bush noted that "the Constitution already says that 'full faith and credit shall be given in each state to the public acts and records and judicial proceedings of every other state,' so many states may be forced to accept that two men who love each other, or two Yuppies who don't want children to get in the way of their careers, are entitled to be legally recognized as a couple, and that's just... I mean, that just ain't right. For all this reasons, the defense of marriage requires a Constitutional amendment. Because we need to amend the Constitution if I feel like something just ain't right."

"Activist courts," Bush said, referring to benches without evangelists or homophobes, "have left the people with one recourse. If we're to prevent the meaning of marriage from being changed forever, our nation must enact a constitutional amendment to protect marriage in America. Decisive and democratic action is needed, because under the 'full faith and credit' clause, attempts to redefine marriage in a single state or city could create serious liberties throughout the country. Thank you very much, Founding Fathers."

"An amendment to the Constitution should be enacted only when something is of national importance," Bush continued, "and the preservation of marriage rises to a level of national importance, because our entire infrastructure will collapse and it will rain for 40 days and every volcano in America will erupt simultaneously if we allow gay marriages."

"The definition of marriage as the union of a virile man and a fertile woman is the most enduring human institution, honored and encouraged in all cultures-- the 50% divorce rate in America not withstanding-- and by every religious faith-- except Anglicans and Reform Jews, who may be big demographics, I dunno-- and cannot be severed from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening the good influence of society," said Bush, with several of his twice-divorced advisors at his side. "People cannot simply get married because they love each other, and they certainly can't get married if they's ain't makin' babies. Because marriage isn't about love; it's about civil duty to repopulate the country to replenish our dwindling troops in various military quagmires around the world."

"Today," Bush declared, "I call upon the Congress to promptly pass, and to send to the states for ratification, an amendment to our Constitution defining and protecting marriage as a union of good-looking, childbearing heterosexuals. America's a free society which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. This commitment of freedom, however, sometimes requires expanding the role of governement in the lives of our citizens. Still with me?"

"Our government should respect every person and protect the institution of marriage. There is no contradiction between these responsibilities,*" he added, causing thousands of robots' heads to explode simultaneously around the globe.

Bush concluded with a request for tolerance and understanding.

"We should also conduct this difficult debate in a matter worthy of our country, without bitterness or anger, because I don't see what the big freakin' deal is. Nothing can come from unilateral violence. Nothing. Understood? God dammit, you people piss me off with your questions."

"In all that lies ahead," the president concluded, "let us match strong convictions with kindness and good will and decency, but none of that guy-on-guy stuff that gives me the willies because my interpretation of the Bible says I should get the willies. Defending the guy-on-guy stuff is not a legitimate argument, by the way. Hear that? Straight good, gay bad. Now, lets get this kind, good-will-filled debate going."


(* an actual, word-for-word quote: press conference transcript)

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