Written by Doug Powers
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Topics: Britney Spears, NASA

Tuesday, 30 March 2004

image for Asteroid plummets toward Britney Spears concert -- NASA launches rocket in attempt to speed it up
"Proof of the existence of God", according to one astronomer

Astronomers who spotted a near-earth object approximately 220,000 miles from our planet have calculated the speed and trajectory of the object in relation to orbit speed. They have concluded that the large asteroid will impact directly on the San Diego Sports Arena, on the same night Britney Spears will be performing.

At NASA, scientists were, at worst, indifferent, and some were even a bit giddy.

"It's about time. We've been watching these things for years, and this is the first time we've had positive news from an impact warning." This according to Philo McDoogle, a NASA spokesman.

"Plus, if the thing hits during 'Oops, I did it again', I win a hundred bucks in the office pool."

Despite the good news, scientists warn that their data could be slightly off, making what appears to be an imminent "good news impact" something that never occurs. It wouldn't be the first time.

In 1978, astronomers at the US Naval Observatory noticed an asteroid approaching earth. Early tracking data had landing on a Bee Gee's concert. The asteroid missed by hundreds of miles, splashing down in the ocean.

In 1990, a potentially catastrophic object 3 miles across came within 76,000 miles of an earth impact on the same night "Cop Rock" premiered on television.

"Think of all the misery that could have been avoided," McDoogle added. "Hopefully this time, we're on to something."

NASA claims that just in case their numbers are off, they are going to attempt to launch a series of rockets which will rendevous with the asteroid, attach themselves to it, and, if necessary, speed it up so it remains on a collision course with Spears' performance.

Some scientists, disguising their voices as music industry moguls, have been on the phone with the concert promoters in a furious attempt to get Madonna to perform with Spears at the same venue on the same night.

"We've also sent fake invitations and tickets to the concert to Yanni, Kenny G., and Carrot-Top," Said McDoogle.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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