News of the Weird, USA -- 26 sailors made it into an undisclosed port along the eastern seaboard this evening despite having been attacked by what has been described as a "giant penis." As of this hour, reports are a bit sketchy. However, the Captain was reported as saying, "It was only by the grace of God that we all made it back alive!"
Tales of epic battles involving massive sea creatures in the deep waters of the ocean have persisted for thousands of years. However, this was the first known reported account of an hostile penis lurking beneath the waves. "That thing was huge!" one sailor was quoted as saying just as he was disembarking the heavily damaged ship. "I just yelled out to Jake to hurry up and grab a rope -- hell, I didn't know what to do at first 'cause I aint never seen nothin' like that in my life!"
Meanwhile, and unaware of the danger that had manifested above, the ship's cook, Dirk Blackwell, was busy preparing the crew's meal down in the galley. "Well, I had me some blackeyed peas on the stove, and was busy cuttin' up some catfish when suddenly the ship was slammed by something huge," the cook explained. "Stuff was flyin' ever'where, tables knocked over -- I thought we'd done run aground or somethin'."
But as Blackwell soon discovered, the ship was far from land. As Blackwell made his way on deck, he found most of the crew fighting off what could only be described as a giant penis. "Well, I was just mesmerized at first," Blackwell explained, "but there was no time to just stand around -- I knew I had to do somethin' fast."
Blackwell went on to explain how it was that he eventually saved the day. "Well, after they had lassoed the thing in like that, the rest of 'em had grabbed hold of the rope in order to try and control it from lashin' about 'cause it was bustin' up the ship pretty bad. So, I just grabbed the harpoon and stuck it real good. Unfortunately, that's when we were all slimed."
One expert, however, disagreed with the "giant penis" explanation given by the crew. "These events are quite rare, but I assure you that the crew was not attacked by a giant penis," noted the maritime expert. "Perhaps a giant squid maybe, but not a giant penis."