HORTON, IOWA - After 28 years of farming corn, Walter Hosch announced this week that he's all done planting corn. "Over the years, I've made a fair living from growing and selling corn. A lot of my neighbors think that, with the rising demand for ethanol, corn is a good bet. But this year I just discovered that I've been sitting on a real gold mine."
The gold mine that Walter Hosch refers to is what sits right under his feet: not the acreage, but the dirt itself. Hosch has been selling truckloads of soil at premium prices. "I just use my shovel to scoop it up, then mix in some pig manure and water. I have a ready market for my genuine Iowa mud. The Republican and Democrat politicians have gotten so good at sling mud at each other and their opponents, they started running short of the stuff back in 2004. That's where I come in."
"For this coming election year," says Hosch, "I have a big supply of mud pre-bagged and ready to go. The Republicans tend to want their mud with a little extra stink, so I mix in manure off of feedlots. The Democrats seem more interested in making sure that the mud they sling actually sticks, and that requires pure chicken shit which I have to truck in from the Perdue factory, which is why it costs more."
Asked whether the Republicans or Democrats are his favorite customers, Walter Hosch replied, "Stinky mud or sticky mud: it don't make a bit of difference to me. But I love it when they sling my mud at that Rudy Giuliani and that Hillary Clinton woman 'cause they're both from damned New York City. I've had some reporters trying to buy a few bags of mud they wanted to sling at John Edwards, but I wouldn't sell them any of my mud because he seems like a nice country fellow to me."
Walter Hosch is one of the more generous farmers in this small farming community. He's already donated several hundred bags of mud to political action committees that were planning to sling mud at Mitt Romney and Bill Richardson. "When I heard it was going to be slung at those two lying bastards, I just let the bags go for free. And I'm not tellin' what special ingredient I mixed in with those bags of mud!"