Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Thursday, 30 August 2007

image for Miss Teen USA finalist, Lauren Caitlin Upton, offered a job at the White House as Bush's new political speechwriter
Miss Teen USA's career advisor

Washington, D.C. - Taken aback by the speech Miss Teen USA finalist, Lauren Caitlin Upton, gave at last Friday's competition, President Bush offered her a job as his official speechwriter.

The news came to Miss Upton by way of a personal phone call to her by President Bush late last night. However, not before Miss Upton's father hung up on him several times mistakenly believing it was a prank phone call until Cheney stepped in and made the call on behalf of the President before turning over the phone back to him.

"That's when we knew it was really the President calling and not a prank caller like I thought the half a dozen or so times when Bush first called," said Hank Upton, Miss Upton's father.

Mr. Upton then handed the phone over to his beauty pageant daughter but not before asking Cheney how things were going over at the White House.

"Huh?" said Miss Upton. "I couldn't believe it was, umm, President…Oh, what's his name…Bush calling, er, me. And for, umm, a job as a speechwriter, too, Yak!"

Miss Upton says she credits her communication skills to her strict Christian moral up bring that her daddy gave her while she was growing up in South Carolina. There she attended church as a child on a regular bases, often speaking in tongues while she lead the church choir in song.

Her father only allowed her to read the Peanuts comic strip on Sunday mornings and nothing else. Not even the Bible, fearing it would fill her head with impure thoughts.

"Yeah, but after daddy went to, er, sleep," said Miss Upton. "I cheated, uh, a little at night underneath my covers with my, umm, girlfriends. Why, we'd stay up all night long exploring each other's, uh, copies of Bloom['field'] County."

Reportedly, President Bush was watching Miss Teen USA when he heard Miss Upton's speech. It is said that he was so moved by her communications skills, he said it was like listening to himself speak, except he could finally understand what it was that he was trying to say to himself all these years.

No word on whether Miss Upton will accept the President's offer as she is said to be waiting by the phone for a better one.

"I hear, umm, other agencies and corporations are interested in me, uh, as their spokesperson," said Miss Upton. "You know, like, uh, TSA, umm, FEMA, and together at the Mattel, uh."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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