Before a luncheon of the League of Republican Women Voters in his home state, Idahomo Senator Larry "Widestance" Craig, said "Let me make something perfectly queer, I AM NOT GAY!"
"Look at me, I'm a Senator and a Republican, how could I possibly be gay!" He then invited open questions from the nearly all-female audience.
When asked about the toe tapping, Senator Craig said he was tapping his foot only because he couldn't get the Judy Garland rendition of "Clang, Clang, Clang went the Trolley" out of his head while trying to take a dump.
He went on to explain that his foot pressed up against the foot of the undercover officer in the neighboring stall only because -- he quipped with a wide grin -- "As a Republican, you know we are all full of shit, and it takes a very wide stance to get it all out."
This brought open laughter from the audience, and a few nods of knowing agreement.
The repeated palm-up hand motion was equally simple for the Senator to explain. "I was merely trying to pick up some toilet paper I thought I'd dropped. I made my knuckles sticky with some pre-ejaculate, as any man would, and then I tried to reach down and stick it to my knuckles. When I couldn't reach the floor, I decided I would clean the dried buggers off the bottom of the partition with my jacket sleeve, as sort of a public service."
While a few Republican ladies found the Senator's language strangely titillating, there was a collective look of puzzlement on the faces of many, since all but a few ladies lacked any real men's room experience, and all had to decode the Senator's complex story in their own way.
When asked about giving the undercover officer his card, Craig continued, "As a politician, after the policeman showed me his badge, I thought it was common courtesy to give him my card, intending to ask him over for dinner with my wife and three healthy children, and I assure you my wife is real, not a trannie or a cross dresser, and her children are real and not homosexuals, even if they aren't my biological children."
"I swear by Judy, Liza and Barbra, this has been a COMPLETE misunderstanding and that I have never even met a homosexual in my entire life," the Senator implored, with a look of Republican sincerity on his face.
When asked about the upcoming ethics investigation by the Republican committee, he said, "I welcome fellow Republicans to shine light in all dark corners of my life and that as surely as Jesus Christ visited the Americas and Mitt Romney will be our next great president, I am NOT gay!"
Ladies shifted uncomfortably in their seats, at the comment that referred to the Mormon belief that Jesus visited the Americas. Mistaking this for uncertainly of his sexual preference, Craig continued: "What do I have to do to make you people believe I am NOT gay? Be gay? Should I perform oral sex on one of your husbands, to PROVE I am not gay? If that is that what you want, just bring 'em on, 'cause I'll do it. Mission accomplished. I mean stuff happens and you can film it if you want and put in on Fox News, I don't care."
At this point, the senator was gently dragged from the room by his driver. A statement was issued by his people that said he will be entering a treatment program. When asked if it was the same program that cured evangelist Ted Haggard from his gay affliction, one of Craig's spokespeople said, "Since Senator Craig is straighter than hell, and has done no meth, it is just going to be an adjustment and a refresher course in bathroom protocol."