Written by Nathan Cooper
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Topics: Underwear

Thursday, 5 July 2001

image for Hanes To Produce Crotch Sock
It's about time for padded pants

The Hanes Company, long known for it fine undershirts, socks, and underwear, delved into a new market with the announcement of their new line of crotch socks.

"For decades, men have been stuffing our socks into the front of their pants to make their manhood appear bigger, so we thought why not make a product so they can stuff their pants and not lose a clean pair of socks in the process," said Publicist Kerry Thompkins. The crotch socks are shaped like a pair of rolled-up tube socks, with a bit more of a manly shape to them.

The new line, known as "Bullger's" is sold in several different colors that coordinate with various skin and pant colors. They will also come in different models so customers can chose their favorites, such as, "girth", "length", or "super-stud".

"I don't need to stuff my pants with anything, but if I did, I think I would buy this product," self-stated "player" Rob Backus said. Another male passerby noted, "In no way do I need to put anything down the front of my pants to increase my size, but I will buy some for my…uh…friends."

Dave Barnett, an honest school teacher from New Jersey, said, Thank God for this product. It will finally be something comfortable men can put down there. In the past, I have found cucumbers to be to heavy and scratchy, and bananas just get too soft after awhile, especially after you've been kicked in the groin a few times by uptight bitches."

Hanes began testing the product several years ago on weight lifters who had suffered shrunken testicles from years of steroid use. Only after success in this area did Hanes decide to market crotch socks to the public.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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