Outsourcing, the hiring of foreigners to work at wages unacceptable to normal (i.e. American) people, is nothing new. It's everywhere in corporate America these days. In fact, the very article you're reading now is outsourced. It is being written in India by an Indian (the cow-worshiping kind, not the war-whooping kind) whose first name is Ganesh and whose last name no white person can pronounce without injuring himself. Oh holy smokes yes and may I just add most esteemed sir that in my humble opinion the worst thing ever to happen to my own worthless dungheap of a country was the end of British colonialism oh by golly yes yes yes. (See?)
But a new and shocking development has raised concerns that outsourcing may have finally gone too far. President George W. Bush has announced that henceforth all recruiting for the U.S. military will be outsourced to Al Quaeda.
"Most Americans were surprised when your President Bush asked me to do all the recruiting for your military, but I wasn't.", said Al Quaeda CEO Osama bin Laden. "After all, your country's been unable to meet its recruiting quotas, even after lowering its standards until anyone with a pulse could enlist. Meanwhile who's been swamped with so many applicants, we have to put them on a 2-year waiting list? Al Quaeda, that's who. Like you infidels say - there's no arguing with success!"
"Right you are, Osama." agreed President Bush. "Besides, your family and mine have been in business together since, like, forever. My daddy made millions of bucks selling arms with your brother Salem for the Carlyle Group. And later Salem bought me those two oil companies I ran into the ground. Of course, that was before Jesus cured me of the alcoholism and cocaine addiction He saw fit to inflict on me in the first place. Anyway, I'm delighted that the Bushes and bin Ladens are working together again!"
Al Quaeda launched its recruiting drive by taking over the offices of the U.S. military's advertising agency, N.W. Ayer. "We had gotten a call from the Pentagon telling us to expect bin Laden's people." said office manager Cloaca Sloven. "And we were ready to welcome them aboard. So there really was no need for them to use those box cutters and suicide vests. Much less take the accounting department hostage."
"But as soon they had 'liberated this Satanic Zionist swine advertising agency in the name of Allah' as they put it, they got right to work writing new recruiting slogans. About time, too. Our old slogans were, let's face it, lame. 'An Army of One' - that never made sense for an army of about 500,000. But it was better than the one before it: 'Be all you can be'. Rumor is, the copywriter who did that one was on Qualudes. Sure sounds like it."
But recruiters noted much heavier traffic once the new Al Quaeda ads hit the airwaves. "Several new recruits even complimented us on our new slogan, 'We put the SURGE in insurgency!'." noted Sergeant Mike Hunt.
Recruiting shortfalls soon became surpluses as the new Al Quaeda ad campaign launched its rotating themes, "Building a better American puppet government.", "Abu Ghraib - now under new management!", "Don't be a Shi'ite Head - have a Sunni disposition!" and "We'll make the Iraqis free and democratic, if we have to kill every last one of them." A campaign specifically geared toward the black community, "Osama - Yo Mama!" was even more successful, winning several industry awards.
And the new troops are responding. "I never me had no plan to enlist," said Private Clem Whitetrash, "not until I heard Osama say that thing about 'we gonna wipe Israel off the map'. So I'm like, whoaa! If I join up, I get paid to kill Jews, just like my pastor Rev. Billy Bob says Jesus wants us all to do? Iraq, here I come!"
Clem is hardly alone. "The old Army was short on benefits." noted Corporal Lance Boil. "That bit about about 'earn up to $50,000 for college' was bullshit. Most soldiers are too dumb to realize the phrase 'up to 50,000' clearly includes zero, which is about what 90% of them ended up getting paid anyway. And what good is college money after you're dead?
"But with Al Quaeda the military is offering REAL benefits! Sure, I'll be killed in Iraq, but at least now I'll get the 72 virgins. And all 72 will be Muslim hotties, we're talking S.I. Swimsuit Issue material here, not typical American lardass bitches. Try getting THAT benefit from the old Army! '$50,000 for college', my ass!"
Sergeant Mike Hunt agrees: "And supply problems are a thing of the past. Remember when our troops were having to buy their own body armor, from out of their own pocket? Well, now we get everything we need. AK-47s, roadside bombs, suicide vests - just say the word, and it's ours. Doesn't cost us a cent, either."