Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Iraq, Senate

Wednesday, 25 February 2004

image for Bush 'Honors' Hymen

CIA Director George Tenet has said before a Senate hearing that the United States is as "fraught with dangers for American interests" as it was before the take over of Iraq, directly contradicting George Bush's claim that the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein. "That yo-yo in the White House can try and bring me down if he wants," Tenet, or someone who kinda looked like him was overheard to say, "but I know where the skeletons are buried and he's (Bush) got more skeletons in his closet than Arlington National Cemetery, so he'd better just watch it."

The Bush Administration, after initially blaming the CIA for all of it's policy failures has been recently backing away from that position. Realizing that George W. Bush wasn't up to the kind of political autopsy that Tenet or someone who kinda looked like him was referring to, they've decided to place all the blame for the last three years of screw ups on one man, Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana.

"It was all that guys (Hymen's) fault," said Unnamed Administration Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, "Tax Cuts for the Rich, Iraq, September 11, Dubya's slaughtering of the English language, Drilling in Alaska, you name it. John Ashcroft has opened a file on this guy and I tell you, it looks like the Manhattan phone book, it's so big. This guys looking at a ticket to Guantanamo Bay and soon, the little terrorist creep."

Mr. Hymen, a retired hog slopper with an eighth grade education, one blind eye and a mild limp was surprised at being labeled the National Scapegoat by the Bush Administration. " Sure, I voted for the little feller," said Mr. Hymen, speaking in a telephone interview from Bubba's Tap Room in Billings, "he seemed nice enough, you know, harmless. The economy was strong after Clinton, we weren't at war and Gore was too smart for me to follow when he talked, so I figured, what the hell. I never thought that voting for him would lead to me receiving such an honor."

When informed that being named National Scapegoat wasn't really an honor and would most likely result in his imprisonment and eventual execution, Mr. Hymen, who has the same IQ as Mr. Bush, said, "You mean that little piece of hog slop is trying to take me down with him? Tell that AWOL Oilman that Festus P. Hymen ain't going down without a fight. Give me another shot and beer, Bubba. Call Kerry. There's work to do!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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