Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Friday, 20 July 2007

image for 500-pound man seeks redemption - almost drowns during baptism
500-pound man seeking redemption almost drowns during his baptism.

St. Croix River, Milwaukee - Admitting that gluttony was the only one of the seven deadly sins that he enjoyed committing, Mike Martinez, 39, attempted to set his life on the righteous path by confessing to his pastor that he had set out years earlier to personally anger God by excelling at it by the age of 40.

Two weeks short of his birthday, however, he had a vision that he was destined to suffer a heart attack that would nearly kill him but leave him a changed man.

In that vision, which occurred while ordering fast-food from at a McDonalds drive-thru window, he claims, heard a voice in a tunnel with light at the end of it that commanded him to confess his sins, get baptized and supper-size his order.

Martinez and Pastor Furman then set out for the St. Croix River to baptism him in order to save his immoral soul, which ironically almost took his moral one.

Once in the river, Pastor Furman began baptizing Martinez immediately when he suddenly began floating away down river. Pastor Furman tried to hold on but due to Martinez's weight and usually strong river currents, he was unable to hold on to him.

"I was just glad he got baptized before he floated away," said Pastor Furman. "That way I knew I would see him again in the afterlife."

Fortunately, rescue workers did not share Pastor Furman's rosy outlook of the after life and pulled Martinez to the safety of the shore after several hours of struggle. Sadly, however, not before, Martinez actually had the heat attack he foresaw in his vision. He is expected to fully recover, as he reportedly does not like hospital food.

Martinez was further disappointed when test results revealed his obesity was due to a preexisting undiagnosed glandular problem, not his willful act of disobedience to personally make God angry with him.

"Oh, well," said Martinez. "At least I absolved myself of all my sins."

"Actually," said his Pastor Furman. "He still has sloth. His gluttony inevitably lead to that."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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