Written by Chuck Terzella
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Friday, 20 February 2004

The Bush Administration has issued new regulations easing rules in it's No Child Left Behind initiative that was signed into law in 2002. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse was quoted as saying, "Actually, we had no idea this was an education bill. The President thought this was a sexual predator bill...he thought the name was "No Child's Left Behind", meaning that you shouldn't touch children's tushies. Imagine the irony we felt when we realized that George Bush was talking about education, especially math scores."

The new changes ease a child's need to comprehend English and relaxes math testing requirements, two of George Bush's major failings. " The President felt bad that kids had to study math and English.", said Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, "After all, those were two of the most painful courses for him to take in school; a lot of kids laughed at him and he never forgot it. I personally think that's why he went after Saddam. Kids can be so cruel."

The new changes include provisions that exempt children from knowing basic arithmetic, simple language structures, pronunciation and environmentally related studies. " We thought getting rid of the environmental thing was important, even though it wasn't in the original bill.," said Waterhouse, still speaking on the condition of anonymity, " After all, the Environment is isn't going to increase global trade, fight terrorism or build nations, you know, the Administrations priorities. In fact, we're thinking of offering extra credit to any student in the first, second or third grades and an exemption from high school that make a commitment to enlist in the Army when they graduate from grade school at age eleven or twelve. Upon their deaths in combat however, they will be awarded an honorary doctorate from the university of their choice. Looks good on the ‘ole tombstone, you know?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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