Written by Bertie Chipchase
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Thursday, 5 July 2007

image for Americans Divided Over Who The Real Americans Are
Ah, July 4th

Santa Clarita, CA- Even a national holiday cannot stem the river of commerce, as revelers packed the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart for last-minute purchases. Filling their SUVs with bargain bags of charcoal and cases of drinks, shoppers were eager to explain how their feelings for Independence Day were linked to the current political climate.

Mike Brewster removed his "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" baseball cap long enough to wipe his brow in the 110 degree heat before commenting on what makes the 4th of July his favorite holiday. "It reminds us that freedom isn't free. That people are trying to steal our freedom. That even freedom isn't really freedom until you're free to kick some terrorist ass. And anyone who doesn't understand that can join all the illegal aliens on the first bus back to Mexico."

Wearing a t-shirt with the phrase "I might not agree with what you have to say, but I'll fight to the death for your right to say it" emblazoned across her chest, Susan Feinstein scoffed when told about Mr. Brewster's comments. "Typical," Ms. Feinstein replied with a grunt as she loaded her Toyota Prius with paper plates and napkins. "That kind of ignorance is all too rampant in America today. People like that are the real enemies of democracy. They wouldn't know true patriotism even if they read all about it on my blog. Hasn't the arrogance of our President taught us anything? People that stupid shouldn't be allowed to vote."

Fortunately, the shoppers were content to merely vilify one another amongst themselves, thereby avoiding any of the mental or emotional discomfort that can accompany open dialogue. However, in a freak accident, World War II veteran Chip Earnest was rushed to the local emergency room. Mr. Earnest was unable to maneuver his motorized wheelchair rapidly enough to avoid being hit with twin blasts of hot air that discharged from vehicles jockeying for parking spots in the super-store's busy lot. Disoriented, Mr. Earnest was heard to murmur that he had only wanted some hamburger buns.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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