Written by Doug Burrell
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Thursday, 5 July 2007

image for McCain Introduces New Immigration Bill
New bill would require immigrants to complete a decathalon before entering country

Due to his rapidly deteriorating poll numbers among conservatives, John McCain introduced a new bill on the Senate floor today.

Political observers have blamed McCain's recent slide on his involvement with the immigration bill that failed to pass through the Senate last week. Critics called the bill an "amnesty bill". With his new proposal, McCain hopes to regain the support of the conservatives he lost.

McCain's ten point plan, which Democrats are calling "incredibly, mind-bogglingly racist" calls for the following:

  • All Hispanic workers to be paid in pesos.
  • Change the name of Taco Bell to Liberty Bell
  • Upgrade border patrol vehicles so that they will be fast enough to catch Speedy Gonzalez
  • Build a wall that not even David Copperfield can walk through.
  • Make sign that reads, "All incoming immigrants must be 5 foot tall to enter America, thereby disqualifying 75% of all Hispanic people".
  • Provide complimentary stay for all immigrants at the Hanoi Hilton.
  • Require all immigrants to not only speak English, but think in English, too.
  • Put signs near the border that say, "America that way", but point the arrow in the wrong direction.
  • Bomb, bomb, bomb...bomb, bomb Iran... (McCain sang this proposal.)
  • Deport all persons with "foreign last names, like Obama or Giuliani."

McCain commented, "Well, shucks. Being controversial got Ron Paul to where he is. I just thought I'd jump on the bandwagon and get a piece of the action myself."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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