Written by Oscar Tritt
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Topics: Iraq, FOX News

Tuesday, 10 February 2004

Cable channel "Fox News" got the jump on the other media by being the only channel to carry live coverage of President George Bush's announcement that they had finally found WMD in Iraq.

A clearly jubilant Dubya announced that extremely strong radiation readings had been detected underneath a school in Central Bagdad. "Clearly, this is the hiding place for the Nigerian "yellow cake" uranium that we told everyone Saddam had bought, but nobody believed us".

Weapons inspection teams are said to be attempting to gain access to the location of the radiation, but are having trouble finding the "location of ingress". Knowing Saddam as well as I do (having met the man and shaken his hand), said Donald Rumsfield, there's probably an entrance 20 miles away with a tunnel leading to here.

Pundits say the find will boost the Presidents ratings at a time when he was desperate to halt his slide down the polls.

**** Story update****

Well, it's red faces all around, I'm afraid. Jake "sniffer dog" Helms, a crack US WMD expert on the ground in Iraq, takes up the story.

"Members of the weapons inspection team, while taking time out to sunbathe on the roof of the school, noticed a series of strange holes in the roof. On closer inspection, these corellated with marks in the floor of the school that turned out to be recently laid concrete. On lifting these newly laid piece of concrete, we made a rather embarassing discovery - 15 unexploded US-made "bunker-buster" bombs, complete with their depleted-uranium warheads."

On questioning, a high-ranking member of the USAF Bomber Command admitted that just one recently retired B52 bomber crew were probably responsible for these and hundreds of other undetonated bomb buried in the ground all over Iraq. "It seems that allowing a bomber to operate with a bomb handler suffering from amnesia - and hence liable to forget to arm the bombs - and a laser-target bomb aimer later found to be addicted to the class-A restricted Amphetamines supplied as standard to USAF flight crew was a mistake, in hindsight." His aide added "That school was lucky - at least in that case the bombs didn't go off. The real unlucky ones were when the bomb handler actually remembered to arm the bombs." he chuckled, remembering the huge laughs he and his bomber command friends had watching the videos of the bombs all going every which way as they attempted to following the quivering laser target dot.

Local Iraqis interviewed after the find were, strangely, less jovial. "At least", said local man Abdul Cheni-Laed "we now know why so many of our womanfolk were suddenly giving birth to 2-headed 3-armed babies".

When questioned about the matter, President Bush saw no problem with falsely accusing Iraq of hiding nuclear material, and then raining down over 30 thousand tons of depleted uranium in the name of national security and regime change. "Hypocrisy isn't in my dictionary, and I'll be long gone before all that uranium hits it's half-life, whatever the hell that means. Now, get the hell out of my office, I've got a re-election to fix!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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