Written by Doug Powers
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Thursday, 29 January 2004

image for Financially strapped Howard Dean to pay campaign workers with free medical treatment
Three Dean staffers wait to be "paid", in these cases via a free mammogram, arthritis treatment, and flu shot

Thanks to stinging losses in Iowa and New Hampshire, the presidential campaign of Howard Dean has become strapped for cash.

Dean, still reeling from the trauma of his staff telling him to go have relations with himself after suggesting that they wait an extra two weeks for their paychecks, has come up with a novel solution to keep staffers on board: Paying employees in free medical care.

Staffers took Dean, a medical doctor, up on his offer, and were lined up outside his office at 7 a.m. with their children and extended families for examinations ranging from colonoscopies to treatment of ear infections.

Since Dean offered the free care to pay staffers, he's slipped even more in the polls, blaming the downward spiral on the fact that he can't leave his office to campaign because he's performing free prostate exams or hernia checks 18 hours a day.

When asked whether or not he planned to drop out of the race, Dean only said, "I'm going to roll up my sleeves and get to work!" He wasn't kidding, because he then, ironically, headed into the exam room to perform a pro bono colonoscopy on the uncle of his campaign treasurer.

"It's working out pretty well for all of us on his staff," Said a Dean for President worker who wished to remain anonymous.

The staffer continued. "If we get free health care for working on the financially hurting campaign of a doctor, we're thinking that if we can also get a similar job working for the failing candidacy of a dentist, car dealer, and mortgage broker, we'll be set for life!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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