Written by Lorenzo Lee
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Topics: America, Death

Wednesday, 28 January 2004

The spread of air flu accelerated yesterday across North America as Canada and Alaska announced outbreaks, bringing to 100 the death toll so far encountered in this deadly disease.

The terminal virus is said to be spread by simply breathing through your nose. A procedure now being outlined by the Department of Health aims to combat the virus by "breathing through your ears or anus, whichever is more comfortable".

The Department of Homeland Security in conjunction with the Military is now siphoning all oxygen present in the atmosphere, starting in Washington, using 100 feet vacuum cleaners. The deafening sound of the machines could be heard all night throughout the capital.

President Bush immediately announced his accelerated plans to send the population of Earth to Mars within the month.

The air flu, which takes 48 hours to take effect within a person, seems to be unstoppable at this point. Right now, the Surgeon General has ordered all Americans to "stop breathing through the nose for a while" in order to prevent further contamination.

Smokers however, seem to be immune to the disease.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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