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Wednesday, 28 January 2004

image for Dean, Kerry Mount Legal Challenges to New Hampshire Primary Results
Working together to get the job done.

Democratic front-runner John Kerry, and challenger Howard Dean have launched a joint legal challenge to the Tuesday New Hampshire Primary results.  As reported here earlier, Dean and Kerry tied for third place behind Bob the Builder and Thomas the Tank Engine, due to an administrative error in which results of a child's poll of who would make the best President were confused with the actual Primary results, and indavertently certified by New Hampshire's Attorney General. 

 

It had been explained to all the Democratic candidates that once results are certified in New Hampshire, they can not be changed, and therefore the actual Primary results were destroyed to avoid any legal wrangling by a Democratic hopeful who might have otherwise claimed the state's 22 delegates.  This fact however did not stop Dean and Kerry from mounting a legal challenge to these results.  It is the contention of the candidates that they will accept the certified results, with one exception.  Apparently, both Bob the Builder and Thomas the Tank Engine are British imports, and as they were not ‘born' in the U.S., they should be considered ineligible for nomination per the U.S. Constitution.  The removal of the two top candidates would leave Dean and Kerry at the top of the list, and they said they would be happy to split the delegates, 11 for each. 

 

Each candidate however has also filed a suit without the other's knowledge to find out the actual number of votes cast for each candidate, as it was only reported that Dean and Kerry tied with 8% of the vote, but not how many actual votes were given to each candidate.  It is expected that in the event that their legal challenge is successful, the candidate with the most votes will try to wrest the additional 11 delegates from his rival, while the person with the least votes will mount a legal challenge to suppress the vote counts. 

 

But the legal wrangling does not end there.  The fourth place finisher, current President George Bush, has declared his intention to win those 22 delegates if Bob the Builder and Thomas the Tank Engine are indeed declared ineligible to win.  According to a Bush spokesperson, the votes were not cast for John Kerry and Howard Dean, but clearly for the actor Jim Carey and breakfast meat magnate Jimmy Dean.  It was only assumed that kids were confused, but unless they can prove the intent of the voting children, then these votes should go to Bush.  In an even more bizarre twist to the story, yet another lawsuit has been filed in New Hampsire district court by none other than the winner of the previous week's Iowa Caucus, Sparkles the trained monkey see full story here. 

 

A spokesperson for Sparkles has claimed that using the results of the votes cast by school children puts the candidate at an unfair advantage, because these votes were cast over one week ago, and Sparkles did not emerge as a candidate until the evening most of the votes were cast, meaning that children did not even know of his existence, and therefore did not have a chance to vote for him.  Sparkles feels that this is a blatant form of discrimination against himself and all Monkey-Americans, and his spokesperson says that they are prepared to take this one all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary, because they feel that Sparkles has a universal appeal, but most of all to children, who are known to love trained monkeys almost without exception. 

 

But in what has to be the most bizarre twist of all, the winning candidate, Bob the Builder (aka Bob Perkins), has decided to stand up against these lawsuits and fight to retain his 22 delegates, despite a pledge earlier that he would not be running.  Bob had this to say, "I wasn't sure if my cat Pilchard would do well with me not at home while I'm out on the campaign trail, and Wendy and I are at that kind of ambiguous stage in our relationship where we don't know if we're dating or just friends, and I don't know how running for President will affect that.  But my main concern was 15 seconds of video in which I'm asked, ‘Can we build it?' to which I scream ‘Yeeeaaaahhhhhh', followed by the question ‘Can we fix it?' to which I emit a similar ‘Yeeeaaaahhhhhhh'.  When I saw how Dean's utterance of a similarly enthusiastic ‘Yeeeaaaahhhhhhh' played out on TV, I was sure this video would come back to haunt me should I throw my hat in the ring.  But I think the unbridled enthusiasm of Scoop, Muck and Dizzy made me say the heck with it." 

 

Perkins intends to go full throttle to campaign for the Democratic nomination as he feels strongly that Bush misled America into an unnecessary war, and that he is uniquely poised to take on Bush head to head in November.  "Kerry would be portrayed as a Dukakis wimp, Clark as a non Democrat, Dean as a radical hothead, and Edwards as the Breck Girl," Perkins said, "whereas what are they going to say about me?  I'm a frickin' computer generated cartoon for Chrissakes.  They attack me, they'll make every child in America cry, and that's just not going to sit well with their parents…the voting public."  Bob the Builder has already revealed his campaign song, set to the tune of his own "Bob the Builder" theme song.  Here's how it goes:

 

Bob the Builder…Can we win it?

Bob the Builder…Yes we can!

Dean and Kucinich…Kerry, too.

Sharpton and Edwards are running too.

Joe Lieberman….Sparkles and Clark.

Each one is tearing the party apart.

 

Political analysts asked to comment on this turn of events agree that it is a highly unusual situation, and nothing quite like this has ever transpired in American politics before now.  Most voters characterize what is happening in New Hampshire as "utterly ridiculous".  Nonetheless, almost 100% of people surveyed say that despite the completely surreal happenings, it is truly nothing in comparison to the aftermath of the 2000 Presidential elections. 

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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