Written by Toby Maller
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Saturday, 12 May 2007

image for Bush: Pelosi opportunity was missed

The US Air Force was minutes away from 'vapourising' Democrat Speaker of the House and outspoken Bush critic, Nancy Pelosi, during her recent controversial tour of the middle east.

That's the claim made in a detailed White House memo, which was leaked to the press earlier today.

In the email, which was sent to the Pentagon by Mr Bush himself, before being leaked, the President offers an apology to top ranking military officials and thanks them for their efforts in trying to 'remove' Mrs Pelosi.

He says that the reason a plot to kill her was bungled was because he was unexpectedly out of the office on what he called 'essential activities', when his personal clearance as Commander-in-Chief was needed.

Dangerous Arabs

The storm centres around the Syrian leg of Mrs Pelosi's trip on the 4th April, where she flew from the Israeli capital Tel Aviv to Damascus to meet with the country's leader, President Bashad al-Assad.

Mr Bush refuses to talk to the Syrian leader on moral grounds and has repeatedly accused Mr al-Assad's government of sponsoring Sunni-lead sectarian violence in Iraq, which is definitely not yet another completely fabricated allegation, in order to legitimise the US miltary's presence in the region and so safeguard America's oil interests.

The leaked email contains a detailed plan, in which air traffic control services in the region were to be momentarily infiltrated by CIA agents, requesting that Mrs Pelosi's plane divert from its flight plan in order to avoid bad weather.

The co-ordinates to be given to her pilot would've taken the flight east over Iraq and directly into the northern 'no fly zone', where heavily armed US Air Force F-15 fighter jets were ready and waiting to shoot the plane down for the unplanned airspace violation.

Tree-hugging lefty bint

As it transpired, the plan was apparently executed perfectly and the F-15s pulled alongside Mrs Pelosi's plane, but were not cleared to launch their missiles.

Reports from journalists on the plane say a delighted Mrs Pelosi spotted the fighter jets from her window and waved enthusiastically, then immediately rang the Pentagon from her in-flight workstation to personally thank military commanders for providing added security for her flight.

The fighters were stood down as the formation crossed into Syrian airspace, after Mr Bush repeatedly failed to answer his phone and give the necessary clearance.

In the emailed apology, Mr Bush says: "I sincerely apologise to you folks for not being there to make the call, but I was unexpectedly out of the office on essential activities." He added: "I thank you folks for your professionalism, and although we missed the opportunity to remove her on this occasion, next time we'll vaporise the lefty bitch".

Republican plankton

White House staff say that at the time of the alleged episode, Mr Bush had indeed left his office - the previous day.

A source said: 'It appears Mr Bush forgot about the whole time zone difference, so whilst Mrs Pelosi was flying to Damascus for a 1pm appointment with President al-Assad, Mr Bush was still in bed counting sheep - there's nothing more essential than that!"

Mr Bush and the Republican party at large have been vocally critical of Mrs Pelosi's tour all along, saying that it would send out a confused message on official American policy in the region.

A spokesperson for the Democrats defended the trip, saying: "It was important for political leaders in the region to meet someone in the flesh who'd personally defeated the President, and so give them hope and belief that their own anti-Bush crusades aren't in vain."

The White House has said it will issue a press deceit shortly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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