Written by Warren Redlich
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Topics: Iraq, Supreme Court

Thursday, 10 May 2007

image for Supreme Court Backs Bush On Iraq
Okay, this isn't really the Supreme Court, but I tried!

The US Supreme Court today, in a controversial 5-4 decision, announced its support for the war in Iraq. Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority, explained at length how the war was a necessary act for the nation.

Roberts noted that Thomas Jefferson had visited France, showing that our nation's founders intended for our military to be active overseas. He also indicated that the current surge was right out of George Washington's military strategy. Liberal critics complained that the decision did not fully flesh out that point, with Al Franken claiming that Washington was really a peacenik.

In a surprise twist, the usually liberal Justice Stephen Breyer voted with the majority and penned a passionate concurring opinion. Apparently, Breyer's 2nd cousin had a friend who read about some human rights violations under Saddam's watch, and this touched Breyer so deeply that his concurrence stretched to some 400 pages.

Breyer's concurrence was joined by guest justice Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld had been appointed by President Bush to fill in temporarily for Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who disappeared mysteriously just before the vote. Democrats in Congress, led by John Kerry, called for a hearing to investigate Ginsburg's disappearance and the manner in which Rumsfeld was appointed, but Kerry flip-flopped, and the Democrats cut and ran.

Meanwhile, conservative Justice Antonin "Nino" Scalia authored the shortest dissenting opinion ever in the history of the Supreme Court: "No one asked us. Why are we deciding anything? I dissent, and not at all respectfully."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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