Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that it is naming conservative pundit Ann Coulter to be the nation's first War Czarette. The fiery right-wing commentator and author has accepted the appointment, and responded to questions about her qualifications.
"I'm pro war. Who better to run a war than someone who loves the smell of napalm in the morning? I am in total agreement with the president that this war will go on for a long, long time and that there will be continued death and destruction. I am very excited about that."
The most surprising aspect of Ms. Coulter's remarks was her announcement that she will order American troops to leave Iraq within the month.
"One of my very first responsibilities in this new position will be to order the evacuation of all U.S. military forces and contractors from Iraq. Of course your first question will by, "Why?" All I can say at this time is that we need to clean the slate in that troubled country and start over. Iraq is an open sore upon humanity that needs to be treated, and we intend to purify that sandy rat hole with few well-placed gadgets."
An incredulous reporter asked, "Do you mean nuclear bombs?"
Coulter only smiled.
"You didn't mention evacuating the press," remarked another reporter.
"No. I didn't," said Coulter. "Next question "
When asked if she could effectively lead the military never having served in uniform, Coulter leveled a revolver at the reporter and shot him in the forehead. Coulter then thanked the assembled media for attending and exited.