On January 13, 2002 while President George W. Bush was at home in the White House all alone, watching a football game and munching on pretzels, he suffered a serious mishap involving a fainting spell when he choked on a pretzel.
New evidence has surfaced from a disgruntled Secret Service agent assigned to the President that this epicurean accident was indeed the long feared 2nd terrorist attack to take place on American soil. The unsuspecting president popped a rouge pretzel, a terrorist pretzel, into his mouth.
The cunning pretzel clawed at, then finally grabbed and constricted the presidents throat, causing his blood pressure to fall and knock him out. But before he passed out the Commander in Chief managed to throw himself off the couch and onto his face on the floor. This momentarily stunned the Al Qaida pretzel, allowing Secret Service Agents to perform the somewhat distasteful task of having to remove wrestle the half eaten pretzel to the ground.
At the time of this writing the pretzel is being held by John Ashcroft's Justice Department at the military installation at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
That the White House has chosen to present this as a relatively harmless food related injury, one such as thousands of Americans suffer each day is understandable. Imagine the panic in this country and even the rest of the world if it got out that the bag of pretzels sitting innocently in our cupboards might conceal legions of terrorist snacks, quietly living amongst us, but ready at a moments notice from their handlers (The potato chips?) to do us and our economy grievous bodily harm. If you can't trust your munchies...
Of course the first things that would happen would be vigilante's going around crushing innocent bags of not only pretzels, but Frito's and Nacho chips as well because in their words, " All these damn junk foods look alike." Next, President Bush would have to invite all manner of peanut butter cups, Yodel's and Twinkies to the White House and make a speech about our little sugary brothers and sisters.
America would have to bomb Switzerland and Hershey, Pa. as places that support terrorism and chocolate ( by the way despite Tony Blair's strong support for Bush's policies think of English Toffee...shouldn't we be looking at bombing London to put an end this threat? I like the British and all, but the fight for peace is hard for everyone.). The assets of confectionary shops around the world would be frozen and the Frito Lay and Wise Companies would go to Congress looking for a government bailout of the snack food industry. It would be a right old mess.
So they wisely kept it quiet. Karl Rove decided that it was better to make President Bush look like a complete dope than it is to panic the snack eating citizens of the western world. It's all an act though, and America should know it. And believe me, as any comic actor can tell you, acting like a complete dope isn't easy, but President Bush can do it perfectly.