Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 7 April 2007

image for Tiger "Spends Too Much Time In The" Woods
Walt Jobsworth waiting for Tiger to "finish off"

The Augusta Masters Golf Championship reached its halfway stage last night with former champion Tiger Woods once again in trouble with officials at the course.

The funny-looking 8-time winner charged around swearing and being abusive to specatators, and throwing his clubs at the mere suggestion of a wayward shot.

He ran into trouble on the fourth green when noise from an excited crowd distracted him as he tried to settle over his birdie putt. Out came his bottom lip and his trademark petulant pout, as he told 80-year-old Gladys Loudmouth:

"Shut up before I put this club around your head!"

"I've never been spoken to like that before", said Gladys later, adding "I quite enjoyed it!"

The same old bird squawked out again on the 15th tee, causing a highly-embarrassed Tiger to "swing and miss".

Woods then angered tournament officials at the 7th when he laughed out loud as he carved a six-iron into a group of fans who had encroached onto the edge of the fairway. Emergency medical services had to be called.

Then, after hooking wildly at the par-5 11th, he was found crouching in some bushes taking a dump, instead of looking for his ball.

Worse was to follow, however, when Woods put his drive at the 18th into some more trees. After he hadn't emerged from the search, for what seemed like an eternity, Head Steward Walt Jobsworth went into the thick undergrowth to discover the tournament favourite having a crafty wank.

Tiger quickly got back down to business, and hacked a tremendous shot out of the forest to within four feet of the flag for an eagle opportunity which he six-putted.

"It was a bit unprofessional", said Jobsworth later. "You could see the stain on his slacks, but he's a young lad, and he's still learning. Sure, he spends too much time in the bushes, but the fans love him. No doubt, he'll be coming up for the Green Jacket on Sunday."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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