Washington AC/DC - (Rotters): The American electorate is fiercely divided tonight on the burning issue of the day: who has the worse cheap looking, tacky hairdye job Attorney General Alberto Gonzales or Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney?
Political spread betting index Aintgottaprayer.com says the odds are very close and goes 5/4 on Mitt Romney "because of the color-coordinated whiteish sideburns and matching textbook dentistry.
"Plus if you look at him side-on, he's got that assinine geeky look that no amount of rescue remedy hair color can ever tone down."
The Massachusetts governor is believed to be named after a seedy Southern England wetlands town called Romney Marshes, a conurbation with which he is twinned.
The sparsely-populated dank wetland patch on the Kent and East Sussex borders is a haven for all manner of wildlife including the humpback otter and the lesser spotted bogside ferret, both of which look uncannily like the greying and over-dyed presidential wannabe.
Turning to Gonzales, Aintgottaprayer.com goes 11/8 2ndFav for the shifty-looking Whore on Terra enthusiast whose higher education apparently didn't run to knowing that the Geneva Convention isn't "some sort of Swiss moneylaunderers' get-together."
At 52 his razor-cut tresses look as if an organic biodegradeable free-trade vegetable dye is regularly applied by his coiffeur and under studio lighting patches of his scalp can look over-stained and festering.
Gonzales is pretty much a dyed-in-the wool fascist whose arse-licking of Bush hit stratospheric proportions in his 2002 legal disclaimer justifying torture of suspects.
His personal criminal record involving peeping tom activities and child molestation which George Bush Sr conveniently wiped from the records when was the head of the CIA can still be viewed at NATO HQ.
The deviant background may have spurred Gonzales on in his zealotry for FBI illegal snooping and for the Bush wiretap program designed to sniff out domestic dissent of anybody familiar with Bush's own child molestation career.
But back to the contest.
It may take a day or two for the odds to shorten on Gov Romney Marshes to allow for his next barber's visit to do its worst, while some reckon it would take a whole week in solitary for Gonzales' true colors to come shining through for the final stages of any contest.
Either way a rug test may be mandatory on both contendors before a definitive result is published.