Written by John Andreini
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Wednesday, 14 March 2007

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CINCINNATI, OHIO--In a sharply worded speech given to the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce today, President Bush lashed out at the majority of Americans who do not support him as "...cowards bordering on traitors."

Displaying a seldom seen emotional side, Bush took off a shoe and pounded it on the podium to emphasize his points. "There will be no retreat. There will be no surrender. We'll stay in Iraq for 100 years if necessary."

The audience was visibly stunned by the President's uncharacteristic tirade. At one point, Bush hurled a glass of water at an aide who was trying to signal him. The President reportedly yelled, "Shut up, b***h," as he flung the object.

Amid numerous expletives, Bush characterized those who disagreed with him as, "...worshippers of Satan and eaters of dog [feces]. They are lower than snakes and deserve to have their heads cut off."

The President's emotional outburst comes at a time when he is suffering very low approval ratings. He alluded to this in his speech, saying recent polls were "...rigged affairs conducted by Al Quida sympathizers and agents of Hugo Chavez. I'll show you a poll?"

The speech ended only when a secret service agent shot the President with a tranquilizer gun. Despite this, Bush remained aggressive, and aides had to throw a rope net over the President and drag him from the stage. A spokesperson for the White House dismissed any concerns and said this was standard procedure under the circumstances.

Later in the day, when asked about the incident, Vice President Cheney said the Bush's behavior was nothing more than one cup of coffee too many. "Sure, the delivery was a little off key, but the points the President made were entirely accurate."

The President is scheduled to give a speech on domestic policy at Lincoln Elementary School in Cleveland tomorrow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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