Written by Mister Lagunas
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Topics: KKK, Tim Hardaway

Wednesday, 28 February 2007

On the last day of Black History month, in a move deemed shockingly offensive by all, Tim Hardaway has broken another significant color barrier by becoming the first black member of the KKK.

Traditionally known for their racist hi-jinks, the KKK has never welcomed minorities into their ranks. However, as black people become increasingly respected in our society, klansmen have been running into difficulties recruiting new members, which prompted the Miami Beach chapter to review their long-standing whites-only policy.

When asked for comment, Miami Beach Grand Marshal Chuck Bullworth defended the controversial decision, saying "Hell, membership has been going down like my sister on a lazy Sunday, which has had some of the other members talking." Mr. Bullworth continued, "maybe black people aren't that bad after all. That Forrest Whitikar fellow just won himself an Oscar, and that king of Scotland movie wasn't half bad. I think I have ancestors from there."

Although many members are welcoming Mr. Hardaway, other factions within the Klan have not been so supportive. According to opposition leader, Chief Dragon Tom Evans, "He may hate gay people, but that don't mean he's one of us."

Although not available for comment, Klan recruiter Larry Bohannon, who was responsible for bringing Mr. Hardaway into the fold, defended his recruitment of the former NBA all-star / admitted homophobic in a letter to our editor:

"Although some people might not understand this decision, I think history will look favorably upon this day. I hope that those of the brethren who remain unconvinced will realize that color doesn't matter, because when you're all wearing the same white hood, you can't tell whose black anyways. Hell, you can barely even see out of them tiny little eye holes. But what you can tell is if some fruity sonuva-bitch is trying to wiggle his way inside your wranglers, and that just ain't right. Mr. Hardaway shares in our hatred of the homosexuals and is committed to preserving the sanctity of marriage as God intended, and he will make a fine klansmen."

Whether they agree or disagree on admitting Mr. Hardaway, all eyes are now focused on April 15th, when the Klan is scheduled to release their official first quarter enrollment data. Those numbers should provide a first glance to whether or not this bold new move of accepting all who hate homosexuals, regardless of race, religion, or creed, will help restore the Klan's waning membership roles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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