Adding to her recent legacy of acting like a complete idiot, Britney Spears announced today that she is actually the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn.
Spears, who recently made headlines for being a drunken slut and for shaving her head to get attention, told the National Requirer in an exclusive interview, "I'm the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Anna and I were very close, we were lesbian lovers, and I'm the father of Dannie-jim. You go ahead and do a DVD test; you'll see."
Many have come forward to make such a claim since Smith's recent death from excessive vomit intake - celebrities, such as Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Frederic von What's-His-Name; lawyers, such as Smith's legal representative and friend Howard K. Stern; paparazzi, such as L.A. photographer Larry Birkhead; a former bodyguard, Alexander Denk; and former child star Gary Coleman (rumored but unconfirmed).
But Spears is by far the most high-profile candidate to enter the Dannielynn sweepstakes.
"I've pushed out two kids myself, so it's not like I'm firing blanks here," an obviously inebriated Spears told the Requirer while taking repeated drags on a GNC menthol cigarette. "Anna and I were very close when we were Mousketeers together, and that's when our hot, passionate relationship started. We always talked about having kids together, because we were lesbian junkies in love, but we thought it was impossible. Then we realized anything is possible with drugs and celebrity. Just ask Paul Lennon. Burp."
"It is biologically impossible," said DNA expert Dr. DNA Expert. "We can do DNA test after DNA test and the result will be the same - two female humans cannot breed together. Britney Spears is merely trying to steal more headlines, and you idiots are facilitating her narcissism by printing this rubbish. And for god's sake, don't quote me in your story!"
Birkhead, after hearing of Spears' proclamation, started crying like a little Nancy-girl. "Everyone knows Dannielynn is my baby," he said, wiping tears from his cheek and moaning softly. "I don't want the money, I just want Dannielynn. And the money."