Washington DC: Responding to worldwide criticism of its environmental policies, the Bush Administration has announced a new public information and awareness campaign entitled "Beyond Kyoto: A New Look At Global Warming."
The campaign is intended to be "the definitive response" to critics' charges at home and abroad that the Administration has been denying and attempting to suppress scientific evidence of global warming and its potentially devastating effects.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters: "The President has determined that the theory of global warming is indeed backed by sound science. Our challenge now is to assure the American people and our friends abroad that this phenomenon is a good thing for the planet."
Some "already visible" positive effects of global warming featured in the White House website's link to "Beyond Kyoto" include the following:
- Spiraling costs of running air conditioners 350+ days per year are easily offset by savings in the cost of gas and electricity used for cooking, since people can now literally fry eggs on the sidewalks of most major U.S. cities.
- Loss of prime coastal real estate in Florida and Southern California due to rising sea levels is balanced by higher market values of land in Kansas that can now command premium prices as beachfront property.
- Excessively polluting industries can now save millions when buying their "pollution credits" from cleaner businesses, by making their purchases online via the appropriate "Halli-links" on the website of the office of U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney.
The Administration acknowledges that global warming may have some negative effects as well. Many individuals in Scandinavia, for example, may have to deplete their savings to finance sunscreen purchases. In addition, some businesses may suffer decreased profits from declining sales of barbeques. As to the latter, however, the Administration cautions that "this may be due to the recent, completely unfounded and hysterical fears of mad cow disease."
The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency declined to comment for this story, and instead referred all questions to the public liaison for Vice President Cheney's Energy Task Force.