Written by King David
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Saturday, 3 February 2007

image for Two Charged in Boston After Ad Campaign "Blows Up"
Punishment at The Common Has A History of Severity

The two young men arrested for placing electronic advertising around the city of Boston on Wednesday were charged with misdemeanor offenses today and were sentenced by a Boston judge to poll dancing for 38 straight hours in Boston Common.

Between pole dancing sets, they will be required to light more than 30,128 Jack-o'-lanterns in the Common breaking the previous world record set for lighting Jack-o'-lanterns on October 21, 2006.

As punishment, the two young men will be forced to go shirtless and wear only high boots and hot pants as they swing, swoop, shimmy up and slide down the poles and light the Jack-o'-lanterns. A set is considered one swing, swoop, shimmy and slide.

The two young men, Peter Berdovsky, 27, a self-styled Rasta man, and Sean Stevens, 28, a computer geek, were sentenced in Charlestown District Court and were given one hour of pole dancing for each blinking, electronic sign that they placed around the city.

The young men were reported amused with their publicity stunt as they waved and smiled at people in court. Berdovsky, a self-styled Rasta man, even commented sarcastically to reporters outside of court that "what we really want to talk about today is haircuts of the 1970's" further evidence of their social isolation and demonstrated narcissism indicative of and plaguing this country.

"The punishment is a marriage of Middle Ages savagry and 21st century dance," said Police Superintendent Phil Cline. "Not only should it prove to be a deterant to these young men, but also entertainment for the crowd that will gather to watch the spectacle."

Crowds have been gathering since the early 17th century in Boston Common to watch public spectacles such as hangings and public executions.

"Boston has a very loyal fan base when it comes to public executions," said Cline. "And we're always looking for ways to combine these two elements, entertainment and justice in our city."

The 1-foot tall signs that Berdovsky and Stevens placed on bridges and other high-profile spots around Boston, were lit up and resembled a circuit board, with protruding wires and batteries. Most depicted a boxy, cartoon character giving passersby the finger, a more obvious sight when darkness fell.

"What I don't understand is," said Police Superintendent Phil Cline "is what the hell are these late-twenty-some-year-olds doing still watching cartoons? 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force,' talking milkshakes, a box of fries with a goatee and a meatball. Give me a break."

"That's all Boston motorists want to see during rush hour after a hard day at the office," added Boston Mayor Thomas Menino, "some obnoxious cartoon character placed by a couple of shiftless twenty-some-year-olds giving them the finger. I hope the poles wear those boys out!"

Pole dancing, which has become China's latest fitness fad, is reminiscent of strippers and girlie bars and features young women gyrating and undulation up and down in a room full of floor-to-ceiling metal poles and mirrors. In this case, the poles will be mounted into braces sunk in concrete fixtures in the middle of the Common.

Additional features of the punishment include:

Masons from the Masonic Grand Lodge of Massachusetts headquartered at the southern end of the Common, at the intersection of Boylston and Tremont Streets, will perform a public flogging of the two young men between the hours of 7 and 8 pm.

Flogging will be open to the public to perform during the hours of 8 and 9pm. Only approved, Dominatrix, Paul Revere leather whips may be used.

Donations of commemorative Jack-o'-lanterns are needed. Candles will be provided by Betsy's, of Boston, Boston's First Candle Shoppe.

Music for the event will be provided by the band, Banchee. Banchee will be playing the selected music of composer William Billings who is buried in the Central Burying Ground found on the Boylston Street side of Boston Common. He is said to have already decomposed.

Also, to commemorate another dead artist buried at the Common, Gilbert Stuart, a local artist will paint a portrait of the two young men pole dancing and being flogged and entitle it The Skaters. 8" x 10" photocopies of the painting will also be sold at the event.

In other news today, Ted Kennedy is found swimming with ghosts in Boston Harbor with his mouth wide open. He was said to be drinking up all the whiskey from a whisky spill in the harbor reported by Spoof reporters several months ago.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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