Reacting to a new shock poll by Fox News claiming that a fully 87% of Americans say nativity scenes should be allowed on government property, the Anti Christian Liberals Union declared those 87% of Americans as unconstitutional.
"These people are attacking the very two foundations that this great country was founded on - atheism and lawsuits," said Clarice Daruhoh, ACLU spokesbabe.
In a rare virgin-birth conception of a new form of legal pressure, the ACLU is mass mailing millions of "reverse" class-action lawsuits hitherto known as "Clause-action" lawsuits (named after that tubby secular holiday idol).
"Once we get the courts to force Fox News to give us the names of each and every terrorist on that poll, we'll mail them an order to recant or face the consequences," said Daruhoh. When asked what those consequences would be, she answered that each offender would be forced to make a contribution to any one of many ACLU entities, as well as listen to Barbara Streisand sing *songs that reflect her own **political viewpoints.
(*All songs based on tunes from her hit album, 'The Way We Were'. ** Political viewpoints range from naked mole rat conservation to Malibu mansion privacy rights.)
This cruel and unusual punishment has drawn sharp criticism from normal people, as well as philosophical infighting within the ACLU which Daruhoh, of course, denied.
"The punishment, or rather "rehabilitative measures," have to have enough weight to force compliance. This is the best we could conceive on such short notice." Daruhoh also denied receiving a kickback from the Streisand estate.
"A cuddly baby and cute animals are just too offensive for a captive audience to have to endure," she continued. "Baby nursery windows and school field trips to the zoo are next on the chopping block."
A right-wing fundamentalist objector was also interviewed for this report, but lack of space precludes us from posting it here.
In related news, the ACLU also plans to target sports where one team is always the offense (being offensive) and this puts the other team, naturally, on the defensive. And since the final goal is to remove all offensiveness from the public sector, it has been deemed necessary to eliminate all such forms of entertainment.
And with fans lugging in their cuddly babies and mascots usually consisting of cute animals, sporting events and their spectators must be eliminated in a crushing defeat - no offense intended.--