Written by SamIAm
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Thursday, 4 January 2007

image for Wife's Fat Makes Pants Look Skinny
You're not fat. You're just fluffy.

Omaha - One hour before attending a party, Sarah Gibson, 34, asked her husband Mark, 33, a scientist of Astronomy, if he thought the pants she was wearing made her look fat. "Now be honest," she said. "I really need to know if these pants make me look fat."

"I'd been caught in this trap before," Husband, Mark Gibson told reporters. "If I said 'no, they don't, honey,' then she would call me a liar. If I said, 'I'm sorry dear, but they do,' then I would be instantly killed. So, like any sane husband, I tried to find neutral ground."

Reportedly, Mark turned to his wife and said, "You have nothing to worry about, sweetie. Your fat makes those pants look real skinny. So skinny, they look like they're ten years younger."

"I don't remember much after that," Mark stated. "I think I saw her move. Then everything just went black. When I came back to consciousness, the jeans were tied around my neck in a noose, and one of my testicles was missing. Sarah was nowhere in sight."

Sarah Gibson could not be reached for comment. Her mother, however, had lots to say.

"That damn bastard!" Said Sarah's mother, Clair Wilson, 65. "He's just like every other guy. You ask a simple question and they either clam up, or make some smart-assed remark they think won't get them in trouble. When will these idiots learn? If a woman asks if she looks fat in something, don't tell her she doesn't because she knows she does and just wants you to say she doesn't so she can accuse you of really thinking she does when she knows that you think she does and you're a damn liar when you say she doesn't!"

Mrs. Wilson then turned to her husband, "Am I right, Harold?" Harold twitched in his body cast, and stuck his tongue out twice, meaning "yes, dear."

Omaha Psychologist David Mathers PHD, has accumulated a list of 543 other questions that seem to entrap stupid men.

"Aside from the 'Do I Look Fat in These?' question," stated Mathers, "there are other no-win questions, or statements that screw the male over." Mathers calls his collection the Damned If You Do - Damned If You Don't list. A few are as follows:

1) "Should I bleach my hair?" If you say yes, then your partner will accuse you of fantasizing about blonde women. If you say no, she will accuse you of trying to hold her down and keep her in "your special mold". If you say, "Do whatever you want, Dear." Then she will say you don't care and therefore, do not love her. Once you reach this point, you may as well slit your own throat.

2) "If you want to see the movie with The Rock, that's fine by me." Do not fall for this one! What she is actually saying is, "Fine, you selfish bastard! Let's go see your stupid tough-guy blood and guts flick! If you really loved me you would take me to see Sexy Man Cuddles With Average Woman Because He See's The Inner Beauty No One Else Seems To Notice. If you want sex tonight, boy, you'd better pray the dog is in heat, you selfish pig!"

3) "Do you love me?" This is the Mother Beast of all questions. A simple "yes" or "no" will not do since both words are short and women attribute the depth of your answer to the depth of your love. Do not say, "I have sex with you, don't I?" Or, "Of course I love you, you dumb broad!" These will only cause you pain.

As for Mark Gibson, his comment went unappreciated.

"I thought my comment was more of a compliment," Mark says. "I didn't call her fat, and I didn't lie. I thought for sure I had the right answer." Sitting up in his bed in the ICU at University Hospital, he continued, "I'm supposed to win the Nobel Peace Prize for finding the formula that makes up the Conundrum Soft Surface of Black Hole Altered Dimensions in Universal Alternate Reality Basis of the Sixth Cubical Light Factor. But I can't fricken find the right answer to the most common question in the known universe: Do those pants make my wife look fat?" Shaking his head, and breathing deeply from the oxygen hose in his nostrils, Mark added, "I think the only answer to that is, 'No-yes, honey. Those pants certainly do not yes make you look no fat in those jeans no they do not yes."

At that, the attending nurse slapped him and gasped, "How dare you!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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