Written by Dan Barash
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Topics: Internet

Monday, 18 December 2006

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By virtue of reading this, you can enjoy the distinction of being Time magazine's "Person of the Year". Time has determined that for 2006 the "internet addicted loser" (that's you!) is the person who had the most impact on our world. Whether it's trolling myspace for reckless teenage babes, spending countless hours gawking at online porn, or bombastic ranting on blogs, the internet addicted loser is changing the nature of the information age.

Time was most impressed with the vast amounts of time internet addicted losers spend on activities that are not remotely fulfilling or productive. "We have an entire generation of web addicts who are essentially staring at their navels while life passes them by", said Time editor Lev Grossman. "As long as they spend some of that time on our web site, we think it's a pretty good thing."

The internet addicted loser is also changing the way we prioritize information. Time's analysis indicated that of the 195 million Americans who spend more than 6 hours a day online, 80% of them devote over 2 hours per day to Britney Spears material. "That's a lot of missing underwear," said Grossman.

Time believes soon all American will enjoy the benefits of the internet addict lifestyle. Although a few internet addicts manage to maintain a semblance of a family life and have a real job, the majority find online gaming and reading satire an excellent substitute for actual work and real human relationships.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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