Written by King David
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Thursday, 23 November 2006

image for North Carolina Legalizes Cock Fighting
I kill you!

RALEIGH-The North Carolina general assembly approved measures today that would legalize cock fighting in the state of North Carolina. By unanimous decision the Assembly ratified legislation in order to make up for budget short falls in state treasury spending.

State budget deficits show the great North State is in the hole millions. Legislators in the house and senate have recently come under fire for these money shortages.

"Where are we going to find the money to spend and make our state attractive for corporations to come and want to plunder," said Senator David Hasaprice. "Think of the cottage industries that this will spawn."

In North Carolina this year, lotteries were supposed to have taken the state out of the red, but since lottery officials were from small towns and had never seen that much cash before they more than likely ended up pocketing most of the proceeds. Fraud was reported to have been possible on all levels from supervisors down to the Indians dispensing the tickets one source said.

"We're very disappointed in the lottery," A spokesperson for the house said. "We were expecting too much from our locals."

Money was needed to improve failing school systems that have dropped by large margins in End of Grade Test scores over the last several years. Money was also needed to build new school buildings to accommodate the state's influx of Hispanics and to hire new teachers for this population.

"We're in a crisis here and if we don't address these problems soon, we are going to be in big trouble," a spokesperson for the legislature said.

The link between cock fighting and education goes way back. George Washington, this nation's first president, was said to have been an avid game-birder. "It's been an integral part of this nation's rural history for years," one enthusiast told reporters.

But animal rights supporters do not like the idea of legalizing the gruesome blood sport.

"Is this the way we want our southern culture to be defined?" one activist said, "as a bunch of blood-thirsty hooligans willing to settle on the cruel public dismemberment of these poor animals."

But critics say that they didn't see the difference between the blood sport and what already goes on in the South, or even behind closed doors in a chicken processing plant.

"Where do you think we get our McNuggets from, radioactive cow shit?" one protester said.

Recent studies have demonstrated that the South is more violent than any other region in the United States.

Reasons for the violence were many fold and could not be blamed entirely on the Scotch-Irish. Other explanations were racism, higher testosterone levels in the bloodstreams of rural, "farm-boy" males, honor, poverty, more evangelical churches, fundamentalism, biblical literalism, revenge, heat, boredom, high school football games between close rivalries, and closer location to Miami where most illegal weapons are imported into this county.

"We're talking about a violent culture," says psychologist Sigmund Soda, "where honor is always at stake and the blood is boiling. Southerners are in a living Hell."

But skeptics still didn't see the difference that the new law would make.

"Nobody is going to really know how much these guys are really taking in. There's no way to control all of it. This was a state of moon shiners who were proud of their outlaw status. Where do you think we got NASCAR? The supermarket?" one farmer said who wanted to remain anonymous.

Come and gather 'round me children
a story you will hear
about Pretty Boy Floyd an outlaw
and a North Carolina designer beer...

...and it's through this world I've rambled
seen lots of funny men
some will rob you with a six-gun
and some with a fountain pen.

Legislators could no longer be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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