Written by Cool Papa Bell
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Topics: Drugs

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, BELLAIRE, OHIO -- Authorities have determined they mistakenly believed a Harrison Street resident was cooking meth, and instead have found that the suspect -- a feisty old wisp of a woman with Southern roots -- was making lye soap.

The action is still a criminal offense because it created a hazardous situation, even though a lot crazier things go on in that town, said Police Chief Mike Kovalyk.

He said tests determined the substance was a batch of homemade lye soap so caustic it could be used to scrub the hair off a bear's ass. Well, a very gentle, or even sedated bear.

The combative suspect, 126-year-old widowed great-great-great grandmother Daisy Moses, wasn't from these parts, said Kovalyk. She was born in Skeeter Swamp, Tennessee, in 1888, the daughter of Confederate General Josiah H. "Bare Ass" Moses, according to the police report.

She was charged with illegal possession of both a dangerous material and a 19th century unregistered firearm, making terroristic threats, resisting arrest and rewriting history.

"We don't get many lye soap labs around here," said Kovalyk, "or 126-year-old Southern widows wearing steel-toed boots, carrying shotguns, shouting death threats to bankers and thinking the South won the Civil War."

Kovalyk said investigators observed materials such as beakers, Mason jars, mixing bowls, funnels, measuring cups and spoons, a scale, a variety of chemicals such as drain cleaner, antifreeze, pickled hog jowls, stewed gizzards and jellied eye of newt, and a 100-gallon pot containing a boiling liquid.

"We thought it was either a meth lab or the kitchen supply room for Burger King," said Kovalyk.

It would be unusual to utilize a large pot to cook meth, but Kovalyk said he thought it was "just some kind of old Smoky Mountain tradition."

Also found at the residence was a rare single of Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" on vinyl and a photo of Neil Young being peppered in the ass with buckshot.

Kovalyk said the dangerous materials and other evidence were transported to a secure location at the village building, which was closed for the day due to a power outage. The lye soap was used to clean off some of the graffiti which the Daughters of the War Betwixt the States had spray-painted on the police department's exterior walls in protest of Moses' arrest.

The chief said Moses was combative with police, and repeatedly called them "damn Yankee revenuers."

She had to be restrained in a 200-year-old rocking chair, which police placed on the top of a cruiser so they could transport her to jail.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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