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Monday, 12 May 2014

image for Mother's Day Math: As With Every Other Year, Card and Brunch Do Not Erase Pain of Pregnancy and Childbirth
Even gourmet cinimon roll no match for pains of labor.

Kansas City, MO - Despite always on-going efforts to increase the impact of their greeting cards, Hallmark Cards has confirmed that - in the opinions of the thousands of mothers polled each year - none of the cards in their line of Mother's Day cards is powerful enough to offset the pain and suffering of pregnancy and childbirth endured by the mother receiving the card. In fact, any one card received on any Mother's Day has virtually no off-setting effects.

The Vice President of Hallmark's division on emotional impact, Giovani Placenta, released a statement which said, in part, "Despite our diligent efforts and many successes at each of our Mother's Day cards including a heart-felt and hopefully tear-inducing message, we have not yet been able to market a card that is powerful enough to counter the mother's persistent belief that she endured more pain and suffering during pregnancy and childbirth than can be made up for in a greeting card. Or, in fact, multiple cards received over the course of many years."

It was also found that waiting in line for even more than an hour for an expensive fancy brunch did not increase the potency of the card.

Mathematicians and statisticians from the University of Missouri at Columbia have been conducting research on the emotional firepower of greeting cards. Regarding Mother's Day cards, their research shows that a card that proves extremely emotionally affective on a mother might have the ability to offset approximately one quarter of one percent of the mother's perceptions of the pain and suffering she endured. At that rate, with one Mother's Day per year, it would take approximately 400 years for any one particular child to possibly make amends.

However, the research also showed that even if a mother and her child could live even close to 400 years, at some point dementia would probably have set in and erased any gains made in previous years. To complicate matters even more, the dementia could first appear in the child, causing him to forget to give cards at all.

Fortunately for Hallmark, despite its failures with Mother's Day cards, it continues to have success at I'm Sorry cards, platonic "Thinking of you" cards, and birthday cards intended for children ages four to 12. That final category shows even further power when accompanied by a cool gift.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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