Written by Chrissy Benson
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Tuesday, 6 May 2014

image for Supreme Court Rules to Include Ten Commandments in Federal Jury Instructions
"Who are we to improve upon His instructions?" asked Justice Kennedy rhetorically.

One-upping its recent ruling allowing public prayers before town meetings in Greece, New York, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 to include the Ten Commandments in federal criminal jury instructions.

Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote for the majority, "It does not violate the First Amendment to open jury deliberations with moral instructions that comport with our religious traditions. We require witnesses to swear to tell the truth, 'so help you God.' Jurors deserve divine instruction as well."

Justice Kennedy's opinion culminated with the rhetorical question, "Who are we to improve upon His instructions?"

While the ruling to include in the standard federal criminal jury instructions the ten commandments passed down to Moses has sparked some protest, most objectors do not seek to omit the Ten Commandments entirely from jury instructions, but only to exclude certain commandments.

For instance, Planned Parenthood spokesperson Jenna LeBlanc stated, "We do not feel that jurors should be discouraged from coveting their neighbor's wife, their male servant, or their female servant. The rest of the Tenth Commandment is fine."

Planned Parenthood is, however, seeking total exclusion of the Seventh Commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

Big Business has likewise expressed strong preferences as to which commandments should be included in federal jury instructions.

Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan spoke out strongly against including in jury instructions the Ninth Commandment, "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."

"That would mean no lying," explained Moynihan, who, despite his lack of formal theological training, was raised in a large Irish Catholic family, regularly attended CCD, and boasts extensive experience with pseudonyms for deception. "We can't have that in there."

Moynihan is a big fan, however, of the First Commandment: "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

"I open our morning meetings with that one all the time," he noted. Moynihan clarified that, as used in company literature, the "I" in the First Commandment refers to Bank of America.

Corporations like Monsanto, Coca Cola, and Kraft have similarly incorporated the First Commandment into company culture, with great success.

Summarized Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant, "It works. We're living proof of that."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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