Back and to the Lefts News understands that Barack Obama has ordered a review into execution practices within the US prison system. An unnamed state has applied for permission to change it's execution technique from lethal injection to "Dropping The Condemned In Tank Full Of Sharks."
A source close to the White House (he lives in the Blue House a little way down the road) told us that Mr Obama is concerned that prisons are now "taking the piss" when it comes to executions. Back and to the Left News were then handed a list of applied for (and rejected) execution techniques.
Buried Alive: Burying death row inmates alive whilst bound. Pros: Saves digging a grave after the prisoner has died. Cons: Still have to dig grave.
Catapult: Launch prisoners up to fifteen miles away by firing them towards the horizon. Pros: Can provide a steady income for a prison from paying spectators to wagers being placed on where the prisoners will land. Cons: Somebody might end up with a 285lb Hispanic man crashing through their roof.
Boredom: Force prisoners to watch political speeches by England's leading politicians. Observe as the droning non-committed voice of Nick Clegg slowly switches off the nervous system of even the most violent of cases. Pros: Cheap. Cons: May have to talk to Nick Clegg.
It is hoped Obama's review into the death penalty will see sweeping changes brought into the system. No more barbaric executions as human beings thrash around blindly underneath hoods their bodies wracked by a pain that is inflicted by a system that you are a part of. All prisoners on death row should be released immediately...into Thunderdome!