Written by Keith Shirey
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Wednesday, 23 April 2014

image for Cardinal Dolan Arrested For Theft Of Contraceptives
ARRESTING OFFICER

In response to Cardinal Nolan's erroneously saying that contraceptives can be purchased at 7-11's and implying that they are available even to poor women, the National Coalition of American Nuns has established a Women's Health Center North of 100th St. in an underprivileged neighborhood.

The nuns, whom the Cardinal calls "radical feminist heretics", have called Nolan's idea that contraceptives are available at convenience stores "something you'd expect from an old white celibate man."

"Does he even know how or why babies are conceived and born?" inquired Sister Donna Quinn, head of NCAN, last Monday.

Until yesterday, the group has been counseling women, providing free condoms, birth control pills, and fitting women for IUD's.

But all of the contraceptives disappeared the night before. However, a NYPD beat cop noticed boxes of birth control materials in the back of the Cardinals illegally parked limousine in front of Dino's restaurant in the South Bronx where his Eminence was dining on Spaghetti alla Carbonara, one of his favorite dishes.

While he was eating a search warrant was obtained and executed and Sr. Quinn identified the contraceptive supplies as the ones stolen from the Women's Center.
As the Cardinal was led away in handcuffs and read his rights he said,

"Sperm is holy. These heretical Sisters were trying to prevent its passage to the vagina. I was acting on the instructions of the Vatican. I want my lawyer."

Sister Quinn says the Center will be fully operational again this afternoon.

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