Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 13 November 2006

image for New Speaker of the House Pelosi Upset with Name Confusion

Representative Pelosi is upset about the constant name confusion regarding her last name. In a press conference from the Capitol Building, she offered the following statement: "My name is Pelosi. It is not Tara Lapinski. It is not Spaghetti. It is not Posole'. It is not Puss or Pussy or Palimony. It is Pelosi."

"No, I'm not the girl that pulled the football out from Charlie Brown. She was Lucy Van Pelt. I do intend to pull the rug out from under the current administration, but not a football."

When asked what changes she would make to the United States House of Representatives as the first female speaker, she answered with a list of ten things:

1. "The colors have got to change. We need something in there that is more subdued, more pastels, more earth tones to calm things down and to keep tempers from flaring."
2. "We need to change the name to make it sound more appealing to families. I want us to become the Home of Representatives."
3. "I want to put some exer-cycles and treadmills in the back to allow some of our Congressmen to work off their three martini lunches and lose their beltway bulges."
4. "We're going to replace the gavel with a soft chime to call things to order."
5. "We will, on a rotating basis, assign different states to design the centerpiece for the podium up front."
6. "Refreshments, light ones, will be served after each session."
7. "The toilet seats in the off-chambers restroom will be spring loaded to stay down."
8. "I don't ever want to hear the words Madame Chairman or Madame Speaker. A madame runs a house of prostitution. I am Your Eminence or Your Grace."
9. "I've hired a New York jeweler in the diamond district to work on my crown and my scepter. They are also going to work on my elevated throne to add more precious stones. I've asked one of the top designers to make my cape for my coronation."
10. "Remembering that I am only two heartbeats away from the presidency, I must be prepared to the call of duty if it comes."

Lapinski will assume her new office in January.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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