Written by Keith Shirey
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Monday, 31 March 2014

image for End Timers Control Climate Change Press Event
THE END TIMES ARE NEAR

WASHINGTON, DC -- 98% of the world's climate scientists agree that the threat climate change poses to Earth's life-support systems.

In short, human-driven climate change poses a great threat to well being, health and even to human survival. The recently released Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change's (IPCC) report only reinforces this reality.

But a hastily assembled coalition of climate change deniers attacked the report at a press conference today. Chuck Norris, GOP Senator, Fred Inhofe, Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI and Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX), led the group.

Joining them were various Christian Fundamentalist leaders, who have introduced anti-climate change courses in school districts because they think belief in it will lead to faith in science and evolution.

To buttress their case against climate science each one of the participants said they had received a grade of "D" or better in elementary or high school biology courses.

But two "End Times" Christian fundamentalists, who were mistakenly recruited into the coalition, seized control on the press conference and would not relinquish the microphone.

Bill "Red" Hawkins, 37, a big, burley hulk of a man from Leaky Faucet GA. exclaimed that "I reason that the oceans is raising and that wars over scarce resources is on the way."

"But I welcome that. I look forward to these horrible events because that's the beginning of divine judgment and the End Times when me and my wife Mavis will be ruptured into Heaven," said Mr. Hawkins.

He continued on for some ten minutes and then gave over the microphone to a young lady standing by his side.

Betsy Fairbow, 17, also from Leaky Faucet and who is a niece of Bill Hawkins, agreed with his assessment.

"Uncle Red and Paw has it right. The storm clouds of apocalypse gather and approach. Climate change is real! Halleluiah! The storm of tribulation comes!"

After security guards hustled away the Uncle and Niece, Chuck Norris tried to speak to the press but they did not stay, evidently feeling that they had their news story for the day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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